Why I Fear Forgetting —And What 10+ Years Of My Personal Video Is Missing

I’ll never forget, but what I will remember is another story.

Documentation

I’ve been intent on recording the events in my life for some time. Since I first picked up a camera in elementary school, I’ve accumulated almost 14 years’ worth of personal photos/videos.

I’ve got images of jets roaring above the skies of San Francisco. Spanning airshows from 2010 to 2022. There’s the Dragon Boat festival, which showcases the now-demolished old Bay Bridge in the background.

Dozens of vehicles at the car show I went to on a field trip. Every family vacation I went on, from Vegas to Shanghai. A space shuttle strapped to an airplane. And my college graduation, shot from the field.

There’s so many experiences and history documented in this media.
From ages 9 to 22, and much more to come.

Yet even with this sheer number of moments immortalized, there’s something missing from many of the videos. And that absent element may have severely diminished the value of these recordings.

Fearing Forgetting

These are all memories I didn’t want to lose. I wanted to be able to travel back and reminisce on everything I had taken part in. I just couldn’t see the point in experiencing something, only to forget it entirely later.

However, as my life progressed downward throughout my teen years, I began to develop disassociation and other issues. It became difficult to enjoy anything in the moment. And the memories were no longer vivid.

This was terrifying to me.

My experiences seemed to lose all purpose.

As a result, video recording essentially became a digital replacement for my memories. I felt I was failing to retain anything. So it was documentation more out of perceived necessity, rather than desire.

Viewing many of these moments through a screen may have distracted me from being present as they happened. But frankly, nothing was feeling real anyway.

So to an extent, the tradeoff was worth it. Oftentimes, capturing a scene would only take a couple of seconds at most. In the time between recordings, I would then take it in with my own two eyes.

However, this endeavor became detrimental during live shows or events. I would always be insistent on recording the entire thing, so I could re-watch it again later.

There’s not a lot of downtime due to the amount of action. Reframing the shot to capture the subject requires constantly glancing at the display. As a result, much of my attention was split.

I couldn’t focus solely on being in the moment.

These fears were taken to an extreme level sometimes. I would get a few hours of video. But even after recording the event in its entirety, it didn’t feel like enough.

If there was any difference at all, I would feel a need to redo the video the next year. It had to be done, no matter how marginal the improvement over the last seemed.

“The footage was only in 720p last year. I need to get it in 1080p this time.

But I have a new 4K camcorder now, so I need to get the shot in 4K.

I got the 4K footage, but now I need to get it from this angle this time.

The weather’s different now. I should document what the show looks like with the fog.”

(I refused to let myself forget anything.)

This is just one example of what I ended up with. Fourteen whole hours of aircraft roaring above the San Francisco Bay. And this doesn’t even include the photos from the years before.

One could question whether I’m going to rewatch all of it.
Well, I already have a few times. But still.

Having the 4K footage makes viewing the 720p video less appealing. Most of the stunts and planes are identical each year. The angle in the older video is pretty bad. I could also just go see the show again in real life.

That isn’t to say I regret doing any of it. At the time, they were the only recollections I had of the event. And I got some really cool shots I hadn’t got on the first go around.

But after years of accumulation, the value derived from each of these digital memories have diminishing returns in general.

If I go watch the show again this year, I’m probably going to leave my camcorder off for most of it. Unless there’s a new aircraft in the lineup. Other than that, I think I’ve got pretty much all there is to see.

Whether it was worth taking the time to make these — that’s a question for much later. After watching the videos dozens of times, I’ve squeezed out a lot of entertainment for now.

But maybe when I get older, I’ll stumble upon decades of videos I had long forgotten. I can pass the time by reliving these moments from my past. At least I’ll have the option to do so if I want.

Though I definitely won’t be watching them all at once.

Grade B

That brings me back to what’s missing from the media I’ve created in the last decade. As I mostly use a hand-held camcorder, I’m only capturing events in front of me.

While it’s nice to view the footage shot from my perspective at the time, the most personal aspect is out of sight, behind the camera. It’s that element that would definitively make them my memories.

I’m talking about the element of myself.

After all, anyone else could record the same thing I did, and it could be indistinguishable from my own video. I wouldn’t say that mine are worthless, but there’s less of that personal aspect without me in it.

In the not-so-distant past, I was averse to taking photos/videos of myself. Selfie-taking doesn’t have the best reputation. Having them taken by others took time. And I thought the B-roll I was taking was adequate enough.

Additionally, I used to be anonymous and afraid of being true to myself online. If I wanted to post them to social media, my presence in the video would prevent me from doing so.

Even if I never shared them, the fear of not having the option was enough to persuade me. It was supposed to be about documenting my experiences, yet I left myself out of the equation.

However, I don’t believe I should stuff away my self.

I don’t really care much for caging my actions, in fear of what others may think. At the very least, I shouldn’t be afraid of my very existence.

In the last year, I’ve got a lot more photos of myself. My current profile picture is one. Before, I didn’t even have any recent images of myself to use for school. I’ve got many choices now.

This is also why I bought my new 360 action camera. With this new piece of equipment, I can capture myself and everything around me. Since I can frame the shot in post, I won’t have my focus split by it.

All I have to do is hold it on a stick.

After much anticipation, the package came at the beginning of the week. I’ll still be using my original camcorder. But I’ll also make sure to utilize this new camera when I can.

Now, my memories will unequivocally be mine. Through this, I may prevent forgetting myself in the future. Seeing my own likeliness will act as a reminder to me.

If I’m documenting my memories, I shouldn’t be afraid to include myself in them.