When You Lose Your Best Friend — Broken Communications & Betrayal

It's been a while, hasn't it? A lot's happened since then...

Loss

I haven't written anything since the start of the year. But journaling was always a method of emotional outlet, to understand deep issues in my life. So perhaps the absent motivation was a sign of things going well.

Unfortunately, the need has come again.

What's changed since January? Well, I'm close to completing my 1st year at my job. It's been going well, everyone seems to love me. Physical issues have worn me down, there's been drama. But in the end, I move forward.

Another large decision was to use Twitch streaming as a way to meet and make new friends – and I was successful in making a few. Unfortunately, the risk of friendship also runs the risk of betrayal.

I met my friends by joining their stream and becoming regular acquaintances. Sometimes, this would lead to being invited or inviting someone to play or chat, and the connection would go from there.

It's a sterile-sounding description of human connection – but that's the gist.

We were best friends by the second month. Always chatting in DMs about life, doing dual streams with each other as co-host. We listened to each other on our bad days, talked about past traumatic incidents in a vulnerable sense.

Even if we were across the country, we created a connection. They became my older sister figure. We banded together with a mutual contact, and branded ourselves as triplets.

I was the youngest "baby" brother. And they were my sisters.

We live in an age of isolation and loneliness in the digital age. Worse yet, when you suffer from extreme anxiety like I. Medications have allowed me to take control of my life somewhat. I'm confident and not as worrying – but the dread isn't gone.

I hardly had any friends since middle school. That's over 10 years ago now. I've drifted apart from the few online I had, which is okay. But this is to say, making these friendships meant everything to me.

I was paranoid of everyone. Fearful of betrayal. I learned that one of my first friends was stringing me along. They flipped between nice and bully mode. I forgave them every time. So, this fear likely stems from childhood.

What exactly happened then? Well, I'll tell you.

At some point, I notice our conversations are feeling quite one sided. I would always initiate the chat. And her responses were very short, sometimes even just single words.

My unease and discomfort grew each time. Was I being a nuisance? Was she not interested in talking anymore? Maybe I need to give her space.

Then something happens on one fateful night. I won't delve into esoteric details – to talk about Twitch streaming like a pensive rumination feels silly enough.

But long story short, whether intentionally or not. Her and her two buddies reacted to moderative action I took in a way that made me like I had committed some travesty.

I no longer felt comfortable and thought it was a massive overreaction... so I just logged off for the night.

I didn't have the energy to DM anymore. I felt excluded and hated, and that minor incident rubbed me the wrong way. So perhaps it was immature, but I figured with the weakening connection in our exchanges – if she truly cares, she'll reach out first.

If not, I guess it's over.

A day passes. No incoming message. Two days, then three, then nearly a week. Dead silence.

I'm conscious of these situations. I know silence often begets more silence. With no communication, people make assumptions, instead of trying to resolve things with a talk.

So as anxious and disappointed as I was, once again, I initiated contact to try and talk things out. The friendship felt as if it were on its last legs.

Unfortunately, this would be our last interaction.

I explained how distant I felt after getting told off, how I always seemed to send the first message, and how her curt responses made me feel they hated me.

Her response? "I'm sorry you feel that way. We don't hate you."

Sounds normal enough, but something felt off about the response. In hindsight, it felt a bit... dismissive. She then mentions how she was hurt by me "ghosting" her, seeing me talk with others but not her, and the others were just upset at me for that.

Which... also felt off.

As the conversation progressed, she started telling me it was fine if I left and she won't judge me. Leave if you want.

At the time, I couldn't figure out why I felt so dreadful. The conversation went in circles, supposedly, tensions kept building. And finally, I stop beating around the bush, and straight up ask if she's pissed at me.

Sure as hell sounds like it.

Well, that was the tipping point. She blew up on me. Yes, she was frustrated, she says. This conversation was going in a loop. She didn't owe me anything, she was busy, I got my responses to my messages, and I was trying to guilt trip her.

"My activities will go on no matter who shows up. You're trying to manipulate me."

I didn't even know what to say. All I managed was to remain calm, refute what she was saying about me, and just tell her how much the friendship meant to me. I'm sorry. That's all I can say.

Immediately after sending that last message, I blocked her from all my social media presence and broke down. I held in the frustration for a week. I couldn't any more.

There's few things more embarrassing than crying in front of my supervisor and leaving work on such a busy day. But thankfully, they were understanding and caring.

I went home and lied in bed, virtually immobilized and sick. I privated all the footage of us playing together... months of work gone. I even bought a cheap crystal engraving of her persona, along with others on my desk.

I took the crystal, threw it in a drawer, and knocked the base off my desk in frustration. Trust me, I had the urge to just smash it into pieces. But maybe the fact I didn't, proves I thought there was still a chance to save things.

The days following were painful. My chest hurt from the stress. Worse yet, I was going on my first date ever with a girl less than 48 hours later. What was supposed to be a joyous occasion, was overshadowed by my need to speed run the grief process.

So I wrote. Completely private document, unlike this one. A place to let out my stream-of-consciousness unfiltered, sparing no details. Just my raw thoughts.

It dawned on me how screwed up this situation was – and I was pissed.

Because here's another angle to look at this. Something happens that pushes me away. I feel unwanted and ganged up against. I don't feel comfortable anymore because I get the vibe they don't like me.

When I explain that to her, I got "sorry you feel that way." Note the phrasing – you.

Perhaps that's what rubbed me the wrong way. That bad feeling I couldn't pin down. I'm quite conscious with phrasing, words, and how they come off.

When you apologize by saying sorry you feel that way, the onus is put on the other person. You're blaming them for their feelings, intentionally or not. It's not a proper apology.

Demanding an apology is ridiculous. But I believe it is common courtesy, and that's part of what pissed me off. This is where my rant began.

So, I'm the one that felt hurt initially, so I retreat into a shell. Then, her friends and her are upset at me for not continuing to reach out to the person that hurt me? How the hell did I ghost her, when she's didn't even send a message to ghost?

Why is it my responsibility to always start the convo? She says she thought I didn't want anything to do with her because she saw I removed myself, but what about the many days of silence before that?

When I'm hurt, it's "sorry you feel that way." But when they're hurt, it's my fault? Is it my responsibility? To just guess feelings and comfort the person that offered no comfort in return? It makes no sense.

Again, if I made someone feel upset or excluded, my first thought would be to apologize. Not that one necessarily meant anything wrong, but as a courtesy.

"Sorry I made you feel that way. I enjoy spending time with you, and wouldn't want to lose you."

Two simple sentences to acknowledge their feelings, and reaffirm that I still want this friendship. But no, I couldn't even be granted that.

Instead, it's "sorry you feel that way."
"Sounds like a you problem, Justin."

I'd never tell my friend they were free to leave anytime. I'd never treat them as if they were replaceable, and tell them my life would go on with or without them.

And I certainly wouldn't make them out to be some fucking manipulative villain for wanting the bare minimum – basic reassurance and reciprocation that we still wanted to be friends.

I wasn't sure if the relationship was worth salvaging, even if there was a way. I never truly felt part of the friend group, even as months passed. Even if they apologized and I could forgive, how could I just forget what they said to me?

It wasn't a fleeting "I hate you." It was specific. How could I be assured that when things go south again, I wouldn't get ganged up on again? When the first sign of conflict emerges, will I be the punching bag once more?

It'll always be 3 versus 1.

I realize I get attached to people I like immediately nowadays. With so many longstanding trust issues before, I seem to have done a 180. A true friend sticks with you through conflict – they don't discard you.

I was so happy. After a whole decade, I had someone to talk and play games with daily. But once again, I've been betrayed by someone I thought was my friend.

Honestly, I don't think I want to make any new ones at this point. There really wasn't any lead up to this meltdown. Something happened, and within days, we were through with each other.

There's no purpose to being right or wrong. I have my opinions, she has hers. But in the end, only the grief of losing a friend remains.

What could've caused such a blowup? Ego? Life circumstance? Just a bad day? I'll never know. But regardless of the reason, this isn't something I should, nor will tolerate. Maybe this is for the best.

Do I regret the time we spent together? Not one bit. It was a great period of my life. We had fun, and this doesn't change that. My final message could've been equally as scathing.

But instead, I opted for a simple thank you... and sorry.

Thank you for the memories.

I'm sorry, not to take the blame, but as a courtesy.
Sorry things had to end this way.