When I Live Life Without Control — Achieving Freedom In The System Of The Self

I’ve tried, I’ve failed. When I didn’t try, stuff happened anyway. When it did, I needed not try anymore. Am I truly able to commandeer my life?

Futility

Is there a point to anything I do, or is it futile? That’s a question that I’ve begun to ponder. Am I truly in control of myself, or is it dictated by other influences?

This existential question arose from an interesting observation I realized about my past experiences in a previous writing.

I’ve established that anxiety has played a major role in my life. I always overthought myself to death, and lived in a constant state of fear. Every hour of every day, it was fight or flight.

This affected my ability to live life and progress in what I wanted. And so, I did what any normal person would do to solve their problems in the 21st century.

Doomscroll for answers that don’t exist, further feeding the problem.

I inundated my mind with these tips to solve what was broken — myself. But no matter how hard I meditated, challenged my thoughts, or whatever else I was advised to do, my situation didn’t improve.

This led to further frustration. Even the surefire solutions were not working. Clearly, I was just fundamentally inrepairable, and should just cease to exist.

In the present, I am not anxiety free. Yet I don’t care as much either. I’ve had some embarrassing moments in these past years. Before, my mind would’ve been overloaded and clouded with harrowing thoughts.

Now, within a day or two, it hardly matters. It still feels discomforting to recall, but deathly dread no longer permeates through my body.

Nothing I’ve done led to this outcome though. The advice did not work — it just stopped failing. The problem lessened not because of what I did, but what I experienced through countless influences.

There were many things I was too afraid to do. Over time, that fear receded, or perhaps the situation became so dire as to override my hesitation.

It feels like it was a choice — a moment where I gained courage.
But only when I reached a threshold, did I take the plunge.

Or take my emotions, for example. I was convinced of the notion that feelings were a choice. If I was sad, I was choosing to be sad. if I was mad, it’s because I wanted to.

If I couldn’t take control, I was weak.

I now realize, that’s largely bogus. When I experienced something heartbreaking, I never thought — “Well, I’m gonna be sad now. *cries profusely*.” The tears just started coming out.

Some things drove me up the wall. I was bothered for days and weeks. Now, they’re a minor annoyance at most. But nothing I consciously did caused that. I thought to myself time and time again, to not take things so seriously. But despite that, I couldn’t.

Everything molehill was a mountain… until it wasn’t. One day, I simply observed what bothered me in the past, and realized those inclement feelings weren’t arising anymore.

The System Of The Self

It’s very recently when I began pondering about my existence in a quite…dehumanizing way. I thought — what if I am simply just a biological system, where every aspect of my life is a mere reaction to it’s environment?

My attempts to control many aspects of my life failed. But in due time, they resolved themselves. Changes in my self were based on thousands of minuscule influences that I can’t even conceptualize.

I can only name a few dozen at most.

I made choices, but were they truly my own? For so long, I was unable to decide to try something new. But one day, I felt comfortable enough, and was able to break through.

Was this comfort my own realization, or the system finally adjusting in its realization that this fear wasn’t conducive to my wellbeing? Did I feel this way because I wanted to, or because of chemical rebalance within the core of my mind?

I thought about this deeply. And after throwing the ideas to AI for the heck of it, I discovered there’s already a name for it — determinism. So even these thoughts aren’t unique — they’ve already been categorized and understood.

Can I really control my destiny? Or am I slated to be shackled by my predefined nature?

Quite the terrifying thought. But strangely, there’s also a sense of relief in this theory of relinquished control.

I have lost my mind trying to figure out my problems. I would try and fail countless times. I wanted to write faster, but I was getting stuck for days, weeks, months.

I wanted to succeed at the youngest age possible, because I thought achieving later in life was just expected — and therefore not impressive. As time continued to march on, I felt more worthless by the day.

Why was this so difficult? Why couldn’t I have done this earlier? It would’ve been so much better for me if I had achieved everything I wanted. Now, I was decaying.

The day my time would come was nowhere in sight.

But perhaps none of this was ever possible. Maybe the inputs to my machine were always invalid to produce the results I desired. Aspects of my identity and experiences, from upbringing to brain chemistry. The times I lived in, the events that happened by chance.

Without eggs and flour, there’s no batter. Without exactly an hour in the oven, there’s no perfect cake.

Sometimes, the ingredients aren’t available, or the time is off. Rather than depressing over what could’ve been, maybe it just couldn’t be helped. The conditions weren’t right for me at the time, or my luck was poor.

This brought me a sense of calm in the hurricane of worries. Because this means I can instead focus on realizing my own path through life, by finding the right inputs for me.

All there is to do is discover and realize the parameters that comes next, predetermined or not.

At the same time, I think it also lowers my ego. I hardly feel I’m doing anything special, and so it’s often a surprise when I’m complimented by others.

Everything’s felt autonomous based on intuition. And perhaps that’s because everything I do is a result of the system, not from whatever I worry is “better” or “worse” about me. It’s my credit… but at the same time, it’s not. It just is what it is.

That doesn’t mean I relinquish all sense of agency and responsibility. I’m obviously not gonna go to a fast food joint, throw a burger against the wall, and blame the concept of existence for what I do…—

(Goes to burger chain...)

*SPLAT*
CASHIER: “Uh, sir, what are yo-”
JUSTIN: “I AM A BIOLOGICAL SYSTEM!!! I AM DICTATED BY THE UNIVERS-”

Instead, I can focus on what I can control — or what I think I can… I can feel content that wherever I am now is the result of my best efforts realized, not from an inherent deficiency or brokenness.

These past years, I’ve felt hopelessness and futility. But perhaps this same notion is where I regain my sense of self. Where I see how far can I go, by just doing what I can.

I can take the time to do what works for me, and arrive where I want not too early, not too late, but exactly when I was able and meant to. In due time, the system will find its equilibrium.

Not everything may be in my control.

But by accepting that, I achieve my freedom.