When Being Selfless Was Selfish
Sometimes, my good intentions didn’t necessarily match the outcomes.
Introduction
I thought that being selfless was always a good character trait. After all, I was always told to take others' feelings into account. To do good deeds, and not bother people with my own problems.
That’s the mantra that has been ingrained in me for some time.
However, there were times in my life when I discovered that this wasn’t necessarily the case. And during those times, my “selflessness” actually was counterproductive to empathy, among other things.
The “nice” thing to do could actually make a situation more complex, and harder overall for everyone. Because of that, my intentions may not have matched the results.
Embarrassing Memories
I’m going to have to recall some embarrassing moments again. Not just that, but also immortalizing it all in the form of digital writing. Let’s hope the cathartic release outweighs that fact.
When I was a kid, I would always try and be nice by letting the cars go first before crossing the street. Oftentimes, I would be wondering why they would wait so long before finally going.
I was on my way back from school. I was an elementary schooler at the time. And there was a car waiting at the intersection. So I waved at them to go.
They didn’t. I waited a couple more seconds. Oh well. I guess they don’t want to go. So I took one step…
And then they started moving.
I stopped. They braked. I resumed again. They hit the gas again. Double stop.
I waved at them to go again. But then, both the driver and passenger just started gesturing frantically. As if to say…
JUST CROSS KID, OH MY GOD (x2)
I panicked. And I bolted across the street. It took maybe two to three seconds to get to the other side. That moment was really embarrassing, and the memory of it kept replaying in my head for some time.
Later on in my life, I learned about this concept called “right of way”. Essentially, all vehicles had to stop for pedestrians and let them go first. That was the written rule.
But unbeknownst to me, with my gesture of goodwill, I was actually pressuring drivers into breaking this rule. Therefore, I was adding unpredictability to the situation.
And with uncertainty came nervousness, and more chances to mess up. No wonder why it was taking them so long to go.
So now, I just cross. Unless the car is barrelling down the street at way over the speed limit, they’ll likely stop. If they see me, they know what to do.
*screeeech*
I might have thought it was selfish. But it was really just making things simple and understandable.
There was no more room for misunderstandings. We were all on the same page now.
Accepting Help
Years back, I was working on many firsts. It was my first game project. And the first piece of fiction I had written. Overall, a lot of firsts.
I had the pleasure of conversing with a few people online with who I eventually became friends.
We would message each other through Discord almost daily.
They also provided support and feedback on the work I was doing. However, there was a moment when there was some tension.
One of my friends had done a bunch of commenting and editing on a portion of the script. I can’t quite remember what it was, but there was an issue with the feedback that rendered it all unusable.
They had spent so much time making that feedback. I felt absolutely terrible, especially considering it was all voluntary. And so I told them that they didn’t have to do any more work.
That’s when the tensions came in. They got riled up after I said that and said that they were going to keep going.
No, they had to keep going.
I was stressed and conflicted by this argument we were having. Eventually, despite my reluctance to let them continue, I caved in.
I thought I was doing a good thing by relieving them of the burden of having to do that work for me. But in reality, I was going about things entirely wrong.
I was not taking their feelings into consideration.
I had made the decision based on my own feelings and tried to force it upon them. I ignored their desire to help and their opinion on the situation.
I had to think back to all the times I had helped someone. Every time I had done something for another person, I did it voluntarily and without regret. In fact, I felt pretty good for being able to aid someone in those times.
So, why couldn’t I understand that about others? By making the choice for them, I was implying that my opinion was above theirs. Even in regard to their own desire to help.
I was denying them that opportunity to feel good about themselves, and abandoning them instead. Leaving them with nothing but the feeling that all of the work they had done was for naught.
Having said that, was I really being empathetic?
Was that really selfless?
So, I allowed myself to be helped. They re-did much of the work. I still couldn’t help but feel guilty. But that didn’t matter. It was their decision to make. And I couldn’t downplay their feelings.
Self-Depreciation
I’ve mentioned that I’ve had some trouble accepting compliments. I would always be questioning the sincerity of such statements in my mind.
Not only that, but I would put myself down instead.
I’m not impressive nor am I special.
I’m not good at anything you say I am.
That’s what I wanted to respond with. I didn’t say it outright, but I had the urge.
However, I notice how this bears similarities to the previous two scenarios. Once again, I was implying that my feelings of self-depreciation are more important than their opinion of me.
Additionally, if I were to actually say this, I’d be turning a nice interaction into something awkward. If I were to go up to someone I looked up to, and told them I think they’re great, and they responded with…
“No I’m not. I suck at [thing].”
I’d definitely have no idea how to react.
By doing that, I’d first be denying them those positive feelings again. But secondly, I felt I also had to think of it this way.
If I looked up to someone, and they told me…
“I ain’t worth crap.”
I would probably think something like…
Then what the hell does that make me?
I don’t really know who would look up to me. But I know I wouldn’t feel good in the same situation. So while I shouldn’t play myself up, I try to avoid this sort of self-depreciation as well.
Conclusion
In hindsight, my stubborn persistence to be “selfless” was actually quite selfish.
That aspect of me is what complicated simple situations. My gravitation toward selflessness is what caused me to deny the feelings of others, and even indirectly put them down. All completely unbeknownst to me at the time.
Having learned this now, I try to accept the goodwill of others. I try to understand that sometimes, the easiest way is in fact the best way.
And that acting in terms of my own interests can actually produce quite selfless results.
So I try not to put myself down. And to not feel guilty for prioritizing myself first.
It’s not easy, but I do my best.
Because even if I won’t do it for myself, I’ll certainly do it for the sake of those around me.