Through & True — A Vow To The Self

I was at a low point amidst a tumultuous post-graduation period. All doors felt closed, and everything told me I had no place. No matter what I tried, it seemed futile.

I began my writing endeavors in 2023 on the Medium platform. At first, it began as a vacuous pursuit for attention and clicks in the attention economy. But I soon realized what I wanted from writing.

I shifted away from what I was "supposed" to do, embarking on a journey of introspection and self-reflection. Through analyzing my experiences, I've understood them better.

I've also realized how egregious many influences were.

This is a world where genuity is sparse, as it seems to coerce one into repressing themselves. I didn't realize it at the time, but pressures in school made me feel demonic.

Despite touting the importance of critical thinking, there was always a "right" and "wrong," indicated by grade deductions and social ostracization. I was wrong many times, in fairness. But they were necessary to guide my path.

Perhaps at a point, my repressed thoughts became too much, and I began to rebel against every notion I heard. However, this was the same issue in the opposite direction, ultimately leading to greater mistakes.

I've found many of those "wrong" notions had valid reasons, even if they were incorrect. And in the coming years, I'd see I wasn't alone in my reservations. Some of what I felt wasn't just "in my head" after all.

This by no means paints education as nefarious. The importance of my educational experiences is not undermined. However, some aspects of it were not conducive to true thought.

As I kept writing, I continued to uncover these subconscious coercions I'd encountered. They dictated what I thought. Sensationalism through traditional and social media told me how to feel– what I wanted and needed.

After college, so-called reality hit hard.

They said I was worthless, my experiences weren't real. College meant nothing, nor did my work. This was reality, while everything I lived was in fantasy. One must do this to be happy, to achieve success– to have any basis to exist in this world.

Worst of all, they told me who I was. My identity was defined second-hand.

I believed everything. I conceded and groveled. I discarded myself and my experiences as invalid and unworthy. And I lost hope for the future. "Yes, I know nothing. Yes, I'm yet to experience the truth."

It was a perpetual inferiority from a game I couldn't win. Despite how much I listened and followed the advice I was told, I progressed nowhere at best– and regressed at worst. I felt broken and fundamentally subhuman.

Over 150,000 words later, I've realized these ideas never served to help me. Every aspect of my life was assumed and preconceived. My thoughts, actions, and beliefs were defined in such a manner.

As if I'm a problem to be solved.

I acted out of fear and pressure, never through what I thought was right. I followed lies to my detriment, that claimed it was for my benefit. I only fell into further disarray because of this. I followed everything and, therefore, believed nothing.

How can one begin to pick apart the truth in the Disinformation Age? I can't know what reality is truly like. It's questionable if there's a single notion of reality anyway.

I know what my reality is though.
And as a member of this world, my truth is part of the whole.

I introspect to heal and move forward. This is not a vicious battle against the status quo, but moving past what's caused harm in life. By discovering what's right for me, I make progress by my means.

So I write, experiment, and explore my thoughts. To not have my experience defined secondhand, nor tout mine as an answer for others. To not be held back by fear or hesitation any longer.

I will believe in my path, and find peace within.

To discover my truth for myself, and no one but myself. And to cultivate my corner of the world, for me.

At one point, I lived in fear. But now, I'm through.