It should have been the proudest moment of my life. Instead, it was the beginning of something else. This is what happened.

Preface

This article is a continuation of “9 Years Without A Friend — Prelude To “My Second Wave Of Depression”.

This is a personal reflection on the events that contributed to my second wave of depression (June 2022–March 2023). In it, I cover the factors that led up to this wave, as well as my inner turmoil during this time.

A Ceremonious Occasion

The last final exam was done. It was the last school exam I would likely ever take in my life. I was not interested in going for a Master’s degree.

I wanted to join the real world.

As I got up and left my computer to go tell the rest of my family, I felt…nothing really.

There wasn’t really much that felt different at all.

With remote learning, taking courses felt no different than watching a bunch of Youtube videos. And in some cases, it was literally just watching some YouTube videos.

I had done it. It was over. After a short glimpse of a true college experience, then two and a half years of online school, I was ready to just put it all in the past already.

All there was left to do was to walk the aisle.

Or I guess the stadium, rather.

The Commencement Ceremony

A month later, the ceremony was conducted. With six other members of my family, we drove over to the baseball stadium where the graduation commencement ceremony would be conducted.

Thousands of graduating students, just like myself, were present as well.

A presence of people that I had not seen for nearly three years now.

I did recognize one person in the crowd. It was from back before the pandemic when I was still meeting with the campus’s Pokemon GO players.

Other than that, I had no idea who anyone was. But that didn’t matter. We were all the collective Class of 2022. And we were about to move into a new phase of our lives together.

I brought my trusty camcorder to document moments of the event. I managed to zoom in and shoot a clip of my family sitting way out there on the opposite side of the stadium.

32x optical zoom. Zoom and enhance.

The time came. Pomp and Circumstance began to play. Everyone got jumpscared by some Roman candles being fired from the Jumbotron. And the procession began.

Despite the reputation for graduations being long-winded and dragged out, I enjoyed every moment of it. Plus, with my newly developed superpower of speedy time perception, I could’ve stayed there for some time without a care in the world.

We all walked out, waved to the cameras, and took our seats. That alone took two hours. A bunch of speeches, one particularly funny and swear-ridden one, and then the diploma reception.

Another few hours passed.

We walked again. By the time it was my turn, it had gotten dark. A lady in the photo crew who clearly only cared about the money yelled at us to hurry up and get through the photos. Anyone who lingered more than a second would get told off.

Go! Go! You cannot put your stuff down! Go! Go! Go!

Some didn’t care. They had to push them out of the way, still laughing and celebrating on the big screen. They weren’t going to let her ruin their big day. It was our time.

After spending no more than 3 seconds in front of the camera, I walked back into the seating area. Then I ran around trying to find where my family was sitting before the grand finale.

I eventually made my way up to them in the top deck. And a barrage of fireworks filled the sky for the next few minutes.

For just that one night, I was filled with hope for the future.

But that hope was nothing but a lie.

The Search Begins

I took about a month off before beginning job applications. Perhaps the fact that I only started applying after graduation was a big mistake, but I guess what’s done is done.

Only a few days and a few applications later, I score my first interview.

It’s set up for the beginning of the next week.

The day comes and it goes… not well. It wasn’t nightmare fuel levels of bad, but it definitely did not feel good.

I struggled through what would seem like basic problems in hindsight and didn’t even consider edge cases. The entire thing felt completely awkward, with the interviewer not even turning on their camera.

I also asked a really stupid question about whether it would be okay to ask another question since this is a technical interview. Overall, it just didn’t go well.

And a couple of days later, I got my first rejection.

It didn’t really hurt much at first. The vibe felt off for me anyways. At least, that’s what I told myself before the rumination set in.

Then I started feeling the burn.

Another Opportunity

Some time and dozens of applications later, I got my second interview with another company. Well, first they sent me a coding challenge through… I don’t even remember what the site was.

Oh, HackerRank. That was it.

I couldn’t even answer one of the questions because it had SQL, and I did not know what the syntax was. But I left a comment explaining my logical process, and I guess they still passed me.

This time, I was in front of a real…video of a human being. And I have to say, it was wonderful. It barely even felt like an interview, but rather a collaborative process of working through problems.

Overall, it seemed like a great company to work for.

I got through all of the problems given. There was a bit of an issue with the last one, where even the interviewer couldn’t say why the test case wasn’t passing. But he said not to worry about it. It seemed like I had aced it.

And then weeks later, I got the email that they had reached their number of hires and that the position was going to be put on hold.

Once again, a huge disappointment. But they hadn’t explicitly rejected me, so I thought maybe once hiring picked up again they’d get back in contact.

Not going to lie, all of this applying was starting to have a mental toll on me. I felt fatigued, and the rejections were starting to weigh on me.

Did I really have what it took to get a job?

Below Dignity

It had been over two months now. Things were definitely getting worrisome. I was well over a hundred applications by now. And it was just nothing but silence and cookie-cutter responses.

…..

I know you’re not supposed to take rejection personally, but it could feel hard to do so when it feels like you’re just throwing your applications into the wind.

No feedback, no anything. Just the essence of rejection stated in a roundabout way, with an additional 100 words of platitudes and how I was “impressive”.

Was I? Was I really?

But finally, another lead came in. Not a pure tech company, but still a pretty major company in the States. The phone call was scheduled for Monday the following week.

I prepared my statements. I was nervous as hell. The first interview was obviously terrifying. The second was also scary initially, but the interviewer made me feel comfortable.

But I had no idea what this upcoming one was going to be like. Would they be the nice kind or the interrogative kind?

What would we even be talking about?

I searched for questions and prepared for as many possibilities as I could. I practiced my oration so I wouldn’t stumble over my words as I always did.

And soon, the day arrived.

Just a couple of hours left. I got in a little more practice. I hyped myself up to reduce stress and anxiety to a controllable level. Everything was going to be fine. It’s just a phone screener.

One hour left. The time was approaching…

And then an email notification popped up on my phone.

It wasn’t from anyone. It was an automated email from Google Calendars. And so I read it.

Phone call with *insert information here*. Canceled.

Surely, this had to be a mistake, I thought. Or maybe they’re just setting up another meeting and they’ll send me the link?

Minutes upon minutes passed. Eventually, the time for the interview came. But my phone remained silent. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes.

One hour. Two hours. The rest of the evening.

Nothing.

Now, I was reaching a breaking point. I had spent the entire weekend stressing and preparing for this phone screen. And they ended up canceling it.

Not only did they cancel it, but they couldn’t even bother sending me an email themselves. No explanation or anything. Apparently, I wasn’t even worth that time.

I was starting to get quite upset.

Rising Tensions

Another 4 months passed with absolutely nothing. The end of the year was near. But I finally got another interview. Apparently from a small, yet world-class company.

I did the initial phone interview. The guy was super enthusiastic and nice, though the conversation was more of a pitch for the company than an interview.

I think 80% of it was just me listening.

They scheduled a second call. Also went pretty well. I actually felt I had learned some things about the industry coming out of it. Though I did get a few strange vibes.

Their ideal candidate was someone who was not only willing but excited to put in as much time as needed to do the work. Not just simply clocking out after 8 hours. And they talked about how they regretted hiring someone who did not subscribe to that philosophy.

It felt a little strange to me that they would say that about a former employee to me, a complete stranger at the time. But they seemed nice enough. And I was definitely willing to put in that work if it meant learning a lot.

I just wanted to grow in my career. To learn new skills and processes, and use what I’ve learned to apply in the real world.

But most importantly, I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere.

I passed that conversation. And then there was a third call with a third person. This one was the technical one.

And it was also the nightmare one.

The call first came in a couple of minutes late. Alright, no big deal. Things happen, and people are busy. I picked up the phone and did the whole phone greeting thing you’re supposed to do.

“Hello, this is ____ speaking.”

…

Twenty excruciating seconds pass by with nothing but rustling papers on the other side. Then, finally, on the other end.

Who is this?

I was sure I had said it already. But I restated again.

“This is ____ speaking.”

“Hey, this is ____.”

A couple more seconds of silence. I had to break it myself. I asked how he was doing. Quite well, apparently.

After a minute of small talk, I was immediately barraged with questions I had no idea how to answer. And so I had to preface pretty much everything with disclaimers like “if I were to guess”.

This was already over. I could feel it.

But then, a curveball. It turns out, these questions were meant to be near impossible for me to answer to see how I responded.

A sigh of relief.

Maybe it wasn’t over yet. And so the apparent real questions came.

I could answer some. But… I still couldn’t answer them all. And some of my answers were just straight out wrong.

I felt like I had just been revealed to be a fraud.

Question time came. And I felt like none of my questions about the company were answered.

I left that interview completely frustrated and almost angry. Once more, I felt totally dehumanized. They had shown so much interest and excitement about my projects before. Yet I felt so disregarded and uncared for here.

And once again, my lack of knowledge of the “real world” was showing. Maybe I really did have nothing to offer.

Maybe I really did know nothing.

Down The Drain

Another interview had gone down the drain. I could barely muster the strength to stay alive. Hours upon hours of mindless clicking on LinkedIn, Indeed, and ZipRecruiter.

Hundreds of applications met with silence.

I got another phone screen. But they had some issues on their side and had to reschedule. No worries, things happen.

The new date was right in the middle of a family vacation, so I spent quite a few days during that time worrying about it.

Then, the day came, and there was nothing.

I received an email shortly after stating that they were unable to reach me. But I had been waiting, and I never received anything. It turned out that perhaps there was a temporary outage in the signal, and I wasn’t able to receive it.

Just my luck.

Another reschedule to after the vacation was over.

That other company I did well with before said they would resume by the end of the year. Well, it was almost the end of the year, and there was nothing. That one hope I had was dying.

Some drama happened that essentially ruined the vacation. And then a tragedy. New Year’s was canceled by rain.

It was a bleak start to 2023.

Home… Just Home

I was finally able to take the phone screen and… another rejection. I guess my salary expectations weren’t in their range. And I still hadn’t heard back from the company I did three calls with.

It wasn’t looking good at this point.

I still held out hope that something was going on, and that they hadn’t just straight out ghosted me again. Because if they had, I might not have been able to keep it together.

But after I logged into Handshake after an extended period, I noticed a little “1” over the Jobs tab. I already knew what it was, but I had to confirm it.

And there it was. “Declined.”

Once again, I hadn’t even got an email. Not even a message to fill me with platitudes and that false sense of being “impressive.”

I wasn’t even worth that.

The Death Of My Sanity

Over this entire period of over 8 months, I was completely broken.

I didn’t even want to work anymore. Continuing to endure this kind of treatment for just the chance at a fulfilling life.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I hated every single decision I made in my life. Every aspect of my own identity was scrutinized by myself.

Maybe college had been really useless after all.

I had no “real” experience, after all. Four years of my life had gone down the drain, and for what? Look at where the hell it had gotten me.

Even if it was useful, did I even deserve to graduate?

Did I actually know anything I learned, or did I somehow manage to cheat the system while actually knowing nothing?

What happened in my final semester only validated those problems. In one of my course’s final projects, I contributed virtually nothing of value. I had been ignored by the group, and I simply could not speak up in the group meetings due to my anxiety.

I was invisible to them.

And every single day I wanted to ask whether I could do something to help. But I couldn’t. The fear and hesitation were too powerful.

And the longer it went on, the stronger that fear became.

There was a point where they had started referring to the group as the “five of us”. There were six people. And when delegating tasks, I was simply going to take what was left.

But eventually, the final person to select just started to take on both of the remaining tasks. And that left me with nothing to do.

The professor constantly reiterated that participation was important and that non-contributors would not get a free ride.

I was terrified. I wanted to help.

But I just couldn’t effing speak.

At the presentation, when asked about the difficulties of the project, all I could do was reiterate points made in the meetings we had. That seemed to be enough, as I got the same grade as everyone else.

So much for fairness.

What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I such a socially incompetent, cowardly loser? If I had not been like this, maybe I could have been able to actually contribute something.

But because I didn’t say anything out of cowardice, I did nothing. Nothing but a single button that didn’t even do anything, and a little bit of documentation. I felt like a freeloader who was complacent in letting everyone else do the work and only profiting off the results.

Did I even deserve to graduate?

There were many times in my previous years of college when I had to virtually do the whole group project myself. I had gotten praise from some of my other professors on my joint presentations.

But all of that didn’t matter to me. I thought I was undeniably a failure and a fraud.

Project: Regret

Then, I started to think about all the personal projects I had worked on. The programs for statistical calculations and generating insights. Ones for adding features onto social media. And I especially remembered my game projects.

I hated them. Why did I spend so much time on all this useless garbage?

I should have gotten an internship and done real-world things instead. But no, I was “stressed” and “depressed”. I was too busy working on making useless games and crap.

Around my room, I looked at the dozens of anime figures and plush toys piled around. I had won most of them for free by playing an online crane game app since 2021. And then, I realized that I was now the textbook example of a NEET.

I was an absolute loser.

The one-year mark of unemployment would be getting only closer and closer. I was a burden on my family, and I was completely worthless. And I was reminded of that by every single day I failed to find a job. The silence was proof of that.

All of this frustration and emotion was tearing me apart. I continued to send application after application. All while progressing nowhere else. But eventually, one day, I realized something was different.

I was stressed. I felt terrible. But yet… I also felt nothing.

It’s Way Worse

I had read about this type of depression before. The type where instead of feeling sad or anguished, you just feel nothing at all.

Before I had experienced it, this type of depression sounded like a dream compared to my experience with the prior wave. Why would I want to feel like I want to die versus feeling nothing?

I’d take that any day… right?

Well, that assumption turned out to be very wrong. You see, my first wave of depression was caused by irrational thoughts. There was not any reason in particular for causing them, hence why they were irrational.

However, this second wave of depression was caused by reasons that were very real.

I had no real-life friends. I had no experience. I had no job.

There were real reasons why I could say I was worthless.

Many reasons why.

It’s quite difficult to put into words what these feelings were like.

I would say that apart from the essence of wanting my life to end, there was nothing else.

That’s what was so dangerous about this particular type of depression. I had lost my ability to feel. And that included having any reservations to prevent me from doing something drastic.

I felt it myself. In the first wave of depression, I always told myself I wanted to die. But I don’t think I actually believed what I was saying, nor did I have any motivation to try.

It was more of a plea for help.

However, there was something scarily different about the negative energy in this second wave. Every once in a while, that energy would surge through me. And every part of me was convinced.

If I walk out of my room and down to the kitchen, I might actually do it.

I can’t say if I would’ve hurt myself for sure. There’s a saying that you can’t really know how you’d react in a situation without experiencing it for yourself.

But I wasn’t going to take that risk.

Every part of my mind was set on self-destruction, and telling me I was definitely capable of self-harm. I was visualizing doing some pretty graphic stuff to myself, involving some sharp objects typically found in the kitchen.

And I wasn’t keen on making that a reality.

So I waited for the feelings to subside. They say that the decision to take these drastic actions is usually made in seconds, and many regret the decision right before it’s too late.

I needed to ride this out. And the strategy I developed to get through these negative thoughts was to start counting. Every second I counted, was another second I would have to regain control of my mind.

One time, I just slammed my head into my room door in frustration. I wasn’t completely convinced I should do it. So I did it while the door was open, so it could at least swing. It still hurt.

But eventually, I would regain control.

This has happened a couple of times since I graduated. It’s not a fun experience. And I would prefer to live, despite the fact that it can be agonizing.

Unfortunately, sometimes my mind comes up with other plans for me.

It’s like the much darker, more dangerous version of being dragged out to some party you never wanted to go to. And it can be pretty scary.

In The Wake Of The Wave

The happy ending is still a work in progress.

But, as of right now, it seems that I’m starting to move past the second wave.

Things have gotten a lot better. As I’ve talked about in other articles, productivity has soared over the past month. I’ve started new things, and I’m regaining a sense of purpose.

But there’s still a long road ahead.

This article was definitely pretty dark. Which makes sense, given the subject matter. I basically trauma-dumped all my insecurities, feelings of self-hate, and the reasons I felt compelled towards self-harm all onto this page.

So thank you for making it through to the end.

It does feel good to get it all out.

Yeah, I still am unemployed. I don’t even want to touch another job application site, even though I need to get some income. Maybe over time, I can work towards that point.

I’ve still got no real-life friends. I still have difficulties speaking, trust issues, and all that. It’s been like that for the past 9 years, and it’s definitely going to take time to change.

Maybe, eventually, I’ll gain some confidence. To risk going out and meeting new people. To risk being hurt again, for the opportunity of building meaningful relationships.

But for now, I’ll just keep doing what I need to do for myself.

The Third Wave

I do often wonder what the third wave of depression might look like.

Will the third wave be even worse than the second? What are the circumstances that will lead up to that one?

Will the third wave come at all? And if so, when will it arrive?

If the time comes to face this adversity once more, I’d hope I’ll have done my best to get ready for it.

After all, I’ve gone through this twice already. I should be able to do it again.

This concludes my reflection on The Second Wave.