Trying too hard to “catch up” wrecked me in the past. But today, it turns out I’m not as behind as I thought.

Introduction

It’s been over six years now since I experienced an explosion of new interests. It was in the middle of my mediocre high school life. Time was continuing to drudge by, and there was nothing else going on for me.

Each day passed with me stuck in my own head. Most of my time was spent constantly fearing the pressures of the world. Social anxiety paralyzed me with thoughts of how much of a weird loser I was.

I spent hours and hours of my free time binging YouTube videos and playing games. I felt awful, and that I was wasting my life away. Yet mindless entertainment seemed like the only thing that could provide me a distraction from this hell I was living in.

At some point, the fear of never being able to accomplish anything was reaching its climax. Everyone else seemed to be so much more competent than me.

They already had jobs and driver’s licenses. All their grades were better than mine. People liked them.

And then there was me, who had nothing and no one.

At some point, I decided to embark on what would be my first big project ever.

I had worked on some things before. A very simple clicker game in C#. Various coding projects for mathematical calculations and problem-solving.

But never before had I made something on a scale larger than a couple of weeks of work. Those didn’t have any value compared to what others had done.

After getting into the visual novel genre a couple of years prior, I decided that I would shoot my shot at making one myself.

Maybe it was a premature decision, considering I hadn’t played more than a single-digit number of them. Nor had I worked on anything of that scale before. But maybe it was indicative of how much I enjoyed them.

While the genre is certainly one of the simpler ones to create in terms of technical difficulty, it still amounts to a significant undertaking.

Artwork is a requirement. A good story is fundamental. Sound design and background music are especially important. Then of course there’s the programming aspect.

I started to try and learn all of these by myself. I studied perspective and how to create vector art for the backgrounds. I had gotten a copy of FL Studio only months prior, so I was also working on learning the ropes in music production.

And so trying to take a page from the games I was playing, I began writing the story.

Not Where I Wanted To Be

Considering how worthless I assumed myself to be at the time, I’m surprised I thought I would actually be able to pull all of that off. At least, at the level of quality that I was envisioning.

Perhaps that’s where the ego came from. If I would be able to learn how to do everything and make this project the greatest thing ever, maybe that would make up for all the years that had gone to waste.

Obviously, nothing panned out as I thought. After many, many months, the artwork ended up looking like something right out of MS Paint. Maybe okay for personal use, but definitely not for a game.

I switched to Blender and came up with some decent-looking stuff. But of course, it had that uncanny 3D look to it. Nothing like the hand-drawn artwork in other games.

The music was not super good. And the initial writing and premise…

Let’s just say if I had stuck with the initial details my dumber, mid-teen self had come up with, I probably wouldn’t be able to live with myself today. It was that embarrassing.

Do you know those videos where they douse a heated metal barrel in cold water until the atmospheric pressure crushes it?

The same thing probably would’ve happened to my brain with cringeworthiness.

And in hindsight, I really don’t know why I expected it to turn out any other way. How could a singular kid learn how to do all of those things at the level of a professional in the span of mere months?

Even the present me isn’t able to do all of that. While I’m technically the only one officially working on my project, all the art assets come from commissioned artists. And some of these people have worked for over a decade on their craft.

But rather than understanding that I couldn’t do everything, I saw it as my own weakness. I saw tons of work and projects from people online. Look at them, making full games and programming all by themselves at thirteen.

And I was already a few years past that age. The opportunity to have been one of those early starters was gone. Time only moved forward, and I missed that chance.

What was the point in starting this if I could never surpass that?

Four Years Later, It Was Done

But despite all of that, I was able to persist through. I worked at building that story bit by bit. There were months where I made excuses to not work on it.

I had school after all. Eventually, I had college.

I’m tired, I’m busy...

But when I finally did get back into the groove, I was able to make up for a lot of lost time. I gave up some of my ego and asked for help.

And eventually, almost four years after I had made that decision, I had something I could call finished.

It felt remarkable. To build up over such a long period of time to finally reach this culminating moment.

And I Don’t Really Like It… Not Anymore

I really… just don’t like that project.

I know you’re not really supposed to say that about your own work, especially when it’s a “product”. I know it makes me look less capable or confident. But I feel like there’s no shame in being honest. I don’t like it.

To me, it feels like I was unwilling to let the initial work go to waste. And so while I changed the premise of the story to a point where the thought of it doesn’t make my face completely implode… it still garners a significant feeling of embarrassment.

It feels like it was all of my teenage angst poured into a story. And because I had the foundation down already, all I could do was continue building on top of it. While I had finished it in college, to me it feels like something I could’ve written in middle school.

Depression… school sucks… Mood.

And so when I hit that point of becoming self-conscious about the number of flaws and overall quality of what I had spent so much time on, it became really uncomfortable.

I looked at the other games people had made that were so much better. Premises that felt much less embarrassing to me, and just flowed so much more smoothly. And theirs had much more engaging dialogue and drama…

And once again, I was back in the hole of comparison.

All the things I could’ve been…

But That Doesn’t Mean It Was For Nothing

So long story short, the project I worked on intermittently over the course of four years ended up being something that I’m now embarrassed to even think about.

But that doesn’t mean it was all for nothing.

First of all, this really should’ve been predictable. I had never written any form of long story ever. I watched and played much fewer pieces of media than I have today.

And back then, I wasn’t in exactly the best state of mind.

Taking all of that into account, it’s really not surprising that I don’t think that game is that good.

However, some people did enjoy it. And I can’t discount their experience either. My opinion certainly doesn’t override the rest, even in regard to my own work.

The project has gotten mostly positive feedback, though reviewers definitely also pointed out the issues at large.

Honestly, I can agree with pretty much all that they’ve mentioned.

And with that, I’ve gained very valuable feedback to put toward my next work. As of the writing of this article, I’m actually a little over a year into my second project.

In that time, I’ve gotten almost as much done as I did in those entire four years. The premise of the story feels much more engaging to me.

Being past my teenage years now, it feels much less angsty. The production seems much better overall. And it looks like I’m on track to finishing a game that’s double the size of the last project in just half the time.

I’ve learned how to let go of my ego and ask for help. Communicating is becoming a little easier. And I’ve been forced to make some bucks in order to afford to get that help.

What I’ve also learned is to fail faster. At the very least, to not hold onto what may be a flawed premise for years on end. Rather, I’ve learned to embrace that failure, as it only brings me one step closer to success.

All of this was only made possible because I made the decision to start somewhere.

A Crazy Realization

It was only very recently that I came to another realization. I had noticed how long it really had been since I had begun.

To be precise, I started all of those endeavors in 2017. So it’s been about six years. At least six whole years of experience in music production, creative writing, story direction, and much more.

What is time even anymore?

If you put it like that, it definitely sounds impressive. Sure, much of that experience was experienced in failure. But no one really would’ve known that unless I said it.

And that’s when I started to think about all those prodigies who started out at young ages. And I compared myself to them once more.

However, this time, I started looking at my own experiences in a different light.

I started taking computer science courses in the 9th grade. That means I was about thirteen years old. And a lot of the people I was comparing myself to, also started around that time.

So really, I did start programming at the “young age” of 13. Sure, maybe I wasn’t making revolutionizing software solutions back then. But I’ve certainly had my fair share of projects in the past nine years.

All this time, I had never been taking that experience into account, because it just didn’t seem good or significant enough. At least, not compared to what others had done.

But there’s no denying that I have been in fact “coding for a decade”. That title, which I thought sounded so impressive and unattainable, is actually one that could accurately describe me today.

And strangely, I still feel pretty much the same as I did before I had achieved that milestone.

I don’t feel like it changed that much about me.

I then started to think about other things I’d done. I first picked up a camera when I was in like, third or fourth grade. It was a Lumix FZ-35. And I have tons of pictures and videos dating back to 2009. I’ve documented so much of my life by doing so.

So if I change my perspective and include that as “real” photography and videography experience, I really have nearly 14 years of experience.

Sure, I haven’t exactly been shooting nonstop for those 14 years. But when you frame it like that, it certainly does sound impressive.

On the internet, there is just so much information missing at times. So things can sound more or less impressive, depending on how I choose to interpret what limited snippets I’m given.

But what really warped my perception is how I chose to interpret the gaps in that information. What I was left to assume for myself.

As I’m continuing to progress through the years and accumulate these years of experience, I’m also realizing something else.

I said before how it felt pointless to begin a lot of things because I feared I would never be able to catch up to others.

If I started on Medium in 2012, I’d have 11 years of experience. But since I’m late to the party, I’m just getting started now. And in 2033, those people would have 21 years of experience, while I’d only have 10 years.

I’m sort of realizing how ridiculous that last part sounds now.

The truth is, maybe I really didn’t want that status of being the best, or the first, or whatever. Maybe I just wanted that experience of doing something for that long, but I was too doubtful of my own abilities to get to that point.

After all, in order to have 10 years of experience, I need to stick it out for 10 years.

Maybe I didn’t think I could last that long. I saw myself as undisciplined. Surely, I would give up once anything became difficult, and it would only prove I didn’t have what it took to get ahead in life.

Yet looking at these situations objectively, it can’t be denied that I’ve got experience of some sort. Even though I haven’t been on a grind, or whatever it’s called. I’ve got living proof that I can see a project through to the end.

Strangely though, it doesn’t feel much different than before I had that experience.

I still haven’t made it yet. I’m still working on getting better with my game projects. I’m learning new techniques with my camcorder. And I’m 11 years late to the party here on Medium.

But I’ve made the choice to start. And maybe in due time, I can say I’ve got 11 years of experience writing here too.