I Want To Be Alone — Realizations From Social Media & Doomscrolling

How connection destroyed me, made me lonelier than isolation ever did, and how I’m escaping it. Also, I’m totally into fanfic now.

My Best Week

I haven’t felt as carefree and present in my surroundings as I have in these past 7 days. I’ve described the following experience many times before, but I’m going to recap again for context.

Ever since age 14, I’d been feeling less alive with each passing day. I found myself becoming increasingly hopeless, with intense anger toward the world. It felt like everything and everyone was against me.

I had become so disassociated with my identity that nothing felt real anymore. What few feelings I was capable of didn’t feel like my own. And all my senses had dulled.

I could see what was in front of me, but it didn’t feel consciously present. It was all in this out-of-focus vignette. And sounds were barely registering in my mind.

Everything was muted.

However, since March 2023, things have been turning around. I’ve been slowly reflecting on the factors that caused this. Influences that I couldn’t figure out for over 8 years of my life.

I could hear sounds more vividly. I could feel the presence of passing cars again. I could spontaneously laugh, or methodically cry. And whatever feelings I had felt like my own again.

It still wasn’t the same though. I recall how conscious I was of my surroundings when I was a kid. To feel the ambiance of my house. To listen to each of the creaks, and feel the weight of the air.

None of that existed since I had moved away.

But that brings me to this past week. I won’t say it’s exactly as it was back then. I don’t think I’ll ever achieve that level of awareness again. But I’d say this is likely the closest I’ll ever get to that level.

To feeling alive again.

I believe I’ve found another piece of the puzzle. Whether it’s the final piece is up for debate, but it’s a vital piece nonetheless. It’s brought me back to maybe… 93% of the life vitality I had as a kid.

This is the realization I had.

“You Are Never Alone”

It makes sense that social media was a major culprit. After I moved away, I had lost all my connections. And I couldn’t fit in at my new school. I was socially anxious, darn near inarticulate, and my demeanor pushed everyone away.

I had put myself in an unwinnable situation, where I avoided human interaction for fear of screwing it up, yet I suffered the loneliness I had imposed from doing so.

It was in 2013 when my internet usage really started to skyrocket. And since the move, all my friends were online. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, so video games and YouTube took up most of my time.

This was my only portal into human interaction. Even if I never even said a word myself, just being present amongst others was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone.

However, it was inevitable that I would be exposed to the dark side of it all. Throughout the second half of the 2010s, I began to see more of the horrible things happening around the world.

I strayed outside of my little gaming bubble. Into multi-player games and social media. And I simply could not take the constant bombardment of negative influences.

To me, the most visible Internet discourse was the most provocative. It felt like everyone was trying to tell me who I was.

“You have to do this to be a real success.”

“If you do this, you suck. If you don’t care about this, you suck.”

I experienced extreme polarization. Where nuance and mediums were thrown out the window.

“You’re a good person. You’re a horrible person.”

“You’re a genius. You’re an idiot.
You’re a god. You’re a narcissist.”

I feel like there was some sense of ego involved with myself. To think that any of these comments were directed at me. To believe I was important enough to be a recipient of these remarks anyway.

But even so, I couldn’t help but feel this… agony.

In the real world, I was limited in what I had to see. I couldn’t peer into thousands of lives at once. And if there was something happening that made me uncomfortable, I could either remain there or walk away.

However, in the virtual world, I lost that sense of space. Instead, every single thought and idea is hand-delivered right into my own home. Every person is accessible with a few button clicks.

The thing is, I can’t even pretend like I haven’t contributed to this sort of discourse. I got into a number of vicious arguments throughout those years. I often acted poorly.

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t trying to make my writings somewhat provocative. I’m doubtful many would read an article titled “My Thoughts — May 2023”.

I mean… I would.

I still feel like a total hack writing some of these headlines. I’ve heard that social media allowed some people to be their true selves. But it feels impossible for me. And that begs the question of what my “true” self is anyway.

The point is, because these provocations were being shipped directly to my face, I couldn’t figure out how to disengage. No matter where I went, they would follow me in this electronic brick I took with me everywhere.

There was no “walking away” in the physical sense.

And so instead, I chose to wallow in it. Rather than removing myself from the space, or at least finding a calmer one, I chose to remain and engage in some of the most heated virtual environments.

I was already in my own room. I couldn’t figure out how to back away virtually.

The cortisol ran through my veins, causing me to feel the essence of anger and pain. Yet despite how terrible it felt to subject myself to this, it was the only time I could feel anything. It became addictive.

Little did I know, this was the very source of that loss of feeling in the first place.

Even if I managed to escape the lure of falling into this cycle of anger, I was only a couple of tempting clicks away from returning to the source. There was no concept of physical distance online. And so I couldn’t create any.

I thought that the internet would be the cure. Years had gone by without a real-life friend. I didn’t think I could ever make one again. I still doubt I have the social capabilities to do so. Though I never really tried.

But with social media and forums, I could interact with people. I did so because I feared what would happen if I severed my last connection with humanity. I thought the pain was from my years of solitude.

But it turns out, it was the opposite.

The truth was, I was tired of being connected. I was overwhelmed hearing of all these problems I could do nothing about. I was sick of feeling told how to feel, how to act, and what I was.

I wanted to be alone.

Yet I couldn’t break out of it. In my obsession with feeling something… anything, I continued to scroll and scroll. And so I scrolled my way into the deepest, darkest pits of distress.

In order to cope with it, I had to suppress every ounce of feeling I once had. I had essentially erased my own identity and forgotten who I was. But surely, the key to feeling alive again had to be somewhere in here…

It had to be.

Temptation

It was very difficult to avoid social media when every aspect of my life had collapsed into an online package. If my life hadn’t already completely digitalized, it certainly had once the pandemic started.

Going to school consisted of going online. Doing assignments required going online. Leisure time was spent watching videos and reading — online. And now the software engineering work I do… it’s online too.

Once again, I lacked the concept of physical space.

I was only a couple of clicks away from giving in to my temptations. To avoid facing the blockades I had in my work, I’d switch to another tab. And before I knew it, I had lost hours down the infinite scroll rabbit hole.

I exposed myself to all the sensationalization of social media. But even aside from that, I was obsessed with checking my stats. All of it made me feel awful.

Those bits of data and numbers were what defined me in this realm.

Every other minute, I would feel compelled to check my stock portfolio, my Medium views, or whatever else. I was thrilled to see the values rise. But when they fell short, the frustration was unbearable. I felt worthless.

There were so many distractions. So much was screaming for my attention, and a relentless stream of despair penetrated my mind. Leisure time seemed to become more stressful than the burnout itself.

In fact, work *was* my leisure. And “leisure” caused the burnout.

I couldn’t figure out why I felt so bad. I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was just lazy. After all, I had spent weeks, months even, doing nothing. At least, what I thought was nothing.

But the emotional processing needed to cope with this bombardment had become a job in itself. And it was one I was not, and likely will not ever be capable of doing.

By forcing myself to “relax” by scrolling through social media without intent, I was feeding the stress that I had assumed it would solve. In actuality, the opposite was happening.

I spent nearly every waking moment consuming these provocations, despite how horrible they made me feel. Because while I told myself to stop working, I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Connected, But Disconnected

I’ve heard the discussions about the negative impact of technology. A simple answer for me would be to stop using the internet. But simple answers wouldn’t solve my complex problems. It’s not always that easy.

It is a fact that technology is an integral part of my life. With everything in close proximity, it can be difficult to resist the temptations that come with it.

However, I’ve discovered there are other things I can do to distract myself from the allure of doomscrolling.

I misattributed the detrimental effects I was feeling on technology as a whole. But my main problem was with exposure to social media specifically.

The internet and technology were tools, ultimately. A bunch of data that was being uploaded and downloaded. They weren’t inherently bad, but which parts I engaged with determined their effect on me.

I could have my cake and eat it too. I could cut out the stressors of ever-connectedness, and still use technology for relaxation and entertainment.

I doom-scrolled online out of meaninglessness, because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. Nothing I owned was physical, and they didn’t seem engaging enough compared to what I could do on a computer.

But there’s actually a lot I can do with tech while still remaining in solitude.

One such activity would be video games. Specifically story-based, single-player ones. I mean, I already knew about this before. But the problem is that this hobby can cost quite a bit of money.

Most of the stories in games will last me a few weeks at most.

It’s hard to justify the purchase when I don’t have income, and there’s other places the money is needed/could be used better.

But I did discover something pretty recently that is absolutely free.
Fan-fiction.

There have been times when I’ve played through a story and felt underwhelmed. Or maybe it was great, but I was craving for more of it.

Well, it turns out that there’s a treasure trove of fan-made writing waiting to be read. All with the same characters that I was attached to in the original work. That, and even more.

It’s really fun to be able to explore all the different ways things could’ve played out differently. Or even a completely alternate universe with no similarities.

This is what I’ve been spending the past week on. It’s been my distraction from the temptation of social media. And that separation is what brought me this close to feeling as carefree and alive when I was younger.

I haven’t felt this good in over 10 years.

It’s taking me back to the days of sitting in my bed and reading, back when I actually read books. It makes sense. I spent a lot of time as a kid reading. Everything since then has included visuals and audio.

But with text, it is a story in its purest form. It contains many intricate details that you can delve into. Perhaps most importantly, it allows me to use my imagination. To go through at my pace, and my way.

Movies and games are good too, but there’s a lot of visual and auditory input going on. They’re concrete senses that put me on rails in the experience. And sometimes, I just won’t like what’s chosen for me.

I remember when I was younger, I could imagine putting myself right into the universe in which the stories took place. I could close my eyes to rest, and transport myself into another world.

Nothing but silence. Simply being able to sit there and experience these realms.

It’s that calm and immersion that I’ve been missing this past decade. That blissful journey alone with my mind.

Nothing more.

Connecting Alone

Apart from reading fanfic, watching sports has been a relatively stress-free activity to disconnect. Once more, this is something that I stopped doing once I started high school. So the timeline matches up.

Baseball is the sport in particular. There might not be as much excitement since the Giants won three World Series in five years. But there’s still something fulfilling about viewing a game that I’ve missed out on.

Seeing so many people come together to cheer on their team has revitalized my sense of connectivity. Even without participating directly, I can feel that energy.

Even in solitude, there are still ways to not feel alone.

Finally, I’ve been taking naps in the evenings when I feel tired. I had been avoiding doing so out of fear of messing up my sleep schedule. But when I can barely stay awake, there’s no point in forcing it.

When I’m more refreshed, I feel better overall. And plus, I can’t go online when I’m asleep. So that prevents me from accessing that space.

By discovering these other ways to spend my time, I’ve managed to nearly eliminate the negativity I derived from using social media. I’m no longer endlessly scrolling or checking stats every other minute.

I’ve found that I can handle some of the negative influences online. I read some arguments in the comments of the videos I was watching. It was hostile, but I wasn’t involved. So it didn’t bother me.

But over time, I ran into more of these negatives. I became infatuated and frustrated with how unwelcoming the world seemed, and the stress started to add up.

After many consecutive exposures to this sort of stuff, it then began to affect my mental state. And before I knew it, I was in agony again. Terrible thoughts were coursing through my mind.

There is a limit on the throughput my mind can handle.

The accumulated stressors from hours of doom-scrolling were completely unmanageable. I didn’t have the processing power. But I still kept piling up this mental load until I broke myself. I didn’t know what the problem was.

Now, I’ve found there are more enjoyable ways to spend my time. My time spent consuming social media hasn’t exceeded an hour per day in the last week. And the load on my brain has been alleviated.

That isn’t to say that I will never use social media again. I mean, I’m on it right now, writing these very words. And I won’t be an inactive follower. But now, the time I spend on it is less destructive and wasteful.

I do so with intent. There’s still some good to be had.

The loneliness can still hurt sometimes. I often wonder what it would feel like to have real connections in real life. Sometimes I worry that I’m incapable of being a good friend to someone.

But a few years ago, I never thought I would regain my sense of living. I mean, sure, it took the better part of a decade. Most of my childhood, nearly half of my freakin’ life.

But it didn’t last forever. I don’t think anything does.

So maybe as I continue to progress through my 20s, things will change for the better. If not, maybe in my 30s. I seriously doubt I’ll be alone for the next 50 years of my life.

But before I can do any of that,
I have to do the best for myself,
to be the best of myself for others.

There are still stories I want to read and interactions I’d like to foster. I’ll still be writing and game dev-ing, and navigating the intricacies of this online world.

But from here on out, I’m going to enjoy my solitude as well.