Why I'll Spend My Life Away — The Consequences Of Holding On

The constant need to accumulate, save, and hold onto every bit of life, perhaps only served to devalue it further.

Savings & Holdings

Letting go of things has been tough in the past. Life was laid out as this linear progression – metrics only went straight up and away.

Take money, for example. I hardly spent my savings on anything before. Perhaps because I didn't have an income, every cent held much significance.

I'm "young" and in the "prime of my life," after all. Every dollar invested could grow into much more in the future.

I couldn't rob myself of that. I had to do the responsible thing.

Every penny was thrown into a savings account or stock. Ironically, my investments were borderline gambling. I miraculously ended with over triple my initial sum, despite big losses.

With that extra money, I only thought to let it grow more. Compounding into the future. I'd triple the amount again in a decade. That sum would grow into a fortune by my retirement.

How important this was, touted by school and social media alike. Financial literacy and investing for the future are key – that's not an untrue statement.

But what are those savings for?

Survival is an obvious answer. I've had the luck of a life where finances were never a struggle. Though, who knows if that'll last at this rate.

What else are those dollars for, then? To make more money? I keep maximizing until I die, then what? I can't take it with me or use it afterward.

Now that I have a proper income, that lifelong notion has come into question. I can "spend" and still have a net positive by payday. It's a contradiction.

Greed and desire overtook me. $4 daily on snacks added to a grand a year. That would be worth $10,000 after 40 years of investment. How could I rob my future of that? It's mathematically insane.

I never considered the cost of the alternative amidst these fears though.

Saving for the future, at the cost of my present self.

Thinking ahead is important. But I wonder why sacrificing one's present for a future is considered more noble when something is lost regardless. Or I'd say that, but that's not an accurate description.

Why sacrifice one's present for the perception of a future? Promises, hopes, and dreams. Most were ultimately disillusioned, uncovered as falsehoods or lies.

I hold out for a glimpse of a better tomorrow. I hold on to what few relics I cherish from the past. Media and video, materialistic items. Vessels containing values in my life that I couldn't bear to let go of.

I never receieved the future promised, leaving only optimistic memories in a grim present.

How wasteful was the time I spent. Sick, no energy, depressed. Pursuing nothing to continue that linear accrual, to maximize the value of my life.

Every time I wanted to relax or have fun, I only thought of how unproductive I was. Every time I purchased an item, I only thought of the opportunity cost compared to investing every cent.

I'm tired of holding out. Tired of optimizing every second and every dollar. I'm tired of sacrificing myself for the "what ifs" and "when you's."

My life was never for me. It was reserved for something external. It was loaned as capital to those with the intent to default. It's time I cut my losses and withdraw what I've got left.

I ordered food from DoorDash for the first time. Maybe my extra income from social casinos softens the blow. But I still spent $50+ for a small amount of consumable food.

I've completed little in my endeavors due to exhaustion. Hardly writing, hardly working on software. I'm just lying idly in bed, borderline comatose, watching videos in a virtual world.

How much could I have done had I utilized that time wiser?
Had I not been lazy and unmotivated to make myself into something?

My guilt isn't as strong anymore. Even knowing it's been years since my lofty dreams arose and dwindled... perhaps I've realized pushing myself won't equate to faster, better, or even any results in this climate.

Perhaps I've lost time and money – it's been wasted away.

But I've gained experience through these losses today.

Experiences I've missed for my whole life. I've tried new foods I craved, and let myself rest without a care. To hell with making my mark on the world, achieving success, or making the most or the best.

Productivity and success – nebulous words, if not outright shams. They only represent influences that took away my agency to define my own beliefs – my own values.

I've been conditioned to fear loss more than death. I smashed my head against a brick wall in the name of efficiency.

Recorded memories at the cost of the original experience. Hours of video, endless texts, and physical mementos derived from the fear of forgetting. Maintaining stats and counts for an invented philosophy and sunk costs.

I now perceive my experiences as ephemeral. The weeks fly by in a blur. Perhaps I even forget those memories entirely. As if they never happened in the first place.

But it's not a waste.

What I've lost is always replaced with something new. Money is spent on opportunity. Relieving my pursuit of immortalization clears space for calm and new ideas.

Many of my belongings' sentimental value has diminished, and I feel less apprehension about losing those material possessions. Giving them away may even start something else.

I feel a warm glow from within and create room to start a new journey. If that's a mistake, I can always regain what's lost in another form.

I was obsessed with holistically meddling with my life. I can't take action on that premise. There exist only my interpretations of what happened before, and my assumptions of what's to come.

I believed I could cling to my past or rush toward a future, but I need to let my assets cultivate the only part I live in – my present.

Is enjoying my present close-minded if I don't agonize over perfection, or just another investment? Quality of life and true experiences, over social stigma and pressures.

Perspective is my key. There's no need to maximize everything if it yields nothing in the end. Whether it's money, energy, or my time on this earth – my life's meant to be spent.

Feeling, seeing, experiencing, being. Perhaps a happier, healthier self is the best investment in greater outcomes.

Enjoying limitations rather than fearing them or constantly seeking more. That content makes each aspect more significant.

I can either use what I have... or lose it all.