How I Rediscovered Hope — Answers To Living Again After A 10-Year Decline

After childhood, I lost my feelings and desire to live. I thought I'd remain hollow forever. But there were reasons like health and social media —and I could experience vitality again.

Long Lost Feelings

The saying "it doesn't have to be this way" is a cliche, and often an infuriating platitude when dealing with inclement mental health. But it applies in my case – it truly didn't have to.

That's said easily in hindsight though. I never saw the light. Every day was a living hell, each year only brought further misery.

The month of June marks my 10th year since middle school. One could say my decline began here. The district refused my preference for any nearby school, just as they had 3 years ago.

A perfectly fine school was a block away... but nope. The only choice given was to commute miles away to a bad neighborhood and equivalent quality school.

It had happened again. This wasn't viable, so my family would move someplace else.

This reaffirmed my growing belief that working to do well in academics was pointless.

Somehow, high school went worse. I was isolated, dealt with teenage judginess, and never made friends.

I couldn't grasp topics no matter how hard I tried when it was effortless in previous grades. I never got below a B- but still felt like an utter failure.

Then the typical depression, suicidal thoughts, and neverending stress set in. Pair that with the egregious growth of social media and chronic onlineness...

And I got a recipe for a bad time.

It was here when I noticed things were becoming... muted. I wasn't as aware of my surroundings. Sensations didn't affect me as much as they did before.

It was like I was losing my senses.

I managed to make a few acquaintances in my final year. I didn't get into any of my preferred colleges besides state university, which I expected this time given my performance.

I was content to have survived and hoped to forget this era.

College exposed me to more people and opportunities. I soon found myself acquainted with others despite my social aversion.

I willingly went to meetups... well, Pokemon GO events and tournaments. Things truly seemed to be turning around.

But of course, that was taken from me by a one-in-a-century pandemic. All those connections and opportunities were gone, reduced to a glowing screen.

Then came post-graduation, where I realized everything I'd worked toward in life was viewed as dirt by the world.

Dehumanizing questioning, judgment, and ghosting occurred in the hundreds. Demands for proof that I was not a worthless existence.

No matter what I did, it was never enough. It felt like the world was telling me I was only deserving of death. I was reminded every single day.

There was no path forward – the more I did, the less opportunity there seemed. A year passed, and now it's been two.

I've found places where I feel appreciated and have the chance to contribute a lot. But as I work pro bono – the financial burdens remain.

I wish I could do this forever, but reality won't let me.

The suicidal thoughts dwarfed those from 6 years ago. They manifested in concussive self-harm not once, but twice. Never before had these thoughts been a true threat, but it was genuine now.

I'd transformed into pure cynicism. Anytime I thought this situation couldn't get worse, another day would pass. I had no hope, nor motivation to continue this futile game.

Not that I could anyway, as I was broken beyond dysfunction.
But there was no choice.

This is still an ongoing story as I write, and I hope it'll be over soon. I don't know what to do if this opportunity doesn't materialize. I can't take another year of this.

To say my state has "improved," while technically correct, isn't the appropriate term. Though I've changed in the last year or two – beyond the mental degradation, at least.

The 2020s sounded futuristic and fictional. My mind was stuck in the past, and it felt like the world was moving out without me. I fixated on the experiences that were now gone.

The present was vividly hellish too. I screamed internally at how stuck I was. The depressing state of the "now," where my efforts were always futile in achieving what I wanted.

And then there was a dreaded future. One I imagined would continue to decline, or remain just as hopeless. It was one filled with uncertainty.

I was sitting in the car with the radio playing. I stared blankly out the windshield. That's when I realized a strange feeling. Even though it was the future-y year of 2024... it felt like I was back in middle school.

The feeling is difficult to describe. I'd lost this softness and warmth since a decade ago. It was almost like a... moist feeling under my skin. There was more awareness of the sounds and sights.

These senses never registered in my mind for 8 years. It was like I was shell-shocked – critically overloaded to where I could feel nothing. But... it just felt like childhood again with that lack of tension... or even thought.

Just pure existence.

A number like 20XX or 23 doesn't define my experience – so I've learned. With the passing cars and houses looming above... it feels the same as it did 10 years ago. I just couldn't experience that similarity until now.

I was convinced those feelings from my younger days would never return. I heard of the horror of aging, how I was destined for unhappiness and cynicism.

The desensitization beginning in high school affirmed it. Dehumanization after college affirmed it. And all this time, I had no counterevidence to the negative happenings.

This was simply what it was to grow up.
To lose everything, including oneself.

But here I am, experiencing this decade-lost sensation... vitality in life again. I long accepted that the downward course was inevitable – I could only take the terrible reality or be labeled weak.

That was a damn lie.

There were reasons beyond the passage of time. Unlike that – they could be reversed. And while I can only surmise in hindsight, I believe these factors were the culprits.

These were symptoms, and perhaps now lack thereof. But I don't hold onto the past as much. There's been multitudes of awkward moments and mistakes that would've mortified me in the past.

What used to take me months, even years to get over, now passes within minutes.

I don't fixate on my background thoughts or an inner monologue. I was consumed by ruminations of everything I wasn't doing, how behind I was, and the tasks that I couldn't push by.

I've finally understood what it's like to truly disconnect. To be devoid of "what ifs" and "should be's." For once, I've focused only on my experience in the present, and naturally so.

I was always aware of these issues. I knew I needed to live in the present. I knew I had to stop stressing over everything. But I couldn't. I tried and tried, but the vivid visions kept haunting me.

Everything I needed to do and kept failing at. The torment of falling behind with every passing day. I forced the thoughts and pushed, but it was pointless.

There was no sign to the contrary throughout years of this pattern. I kept losing and losing myself. I would keep losing my senses until I was a husk.

And that was life.

I've gained insight into the root causes of my deterioration. I never knew for so long. Yet the return of my inner glow proves this was never without reason. And perhaps I've finally found answers.

Key factor 1 – social media. The timeline matches. I had Facebook to connect with classmates after grade school. My internet usage increased throughout middle school, particularly on YouTube.

Due to my isolation and depression, I became dependent on the online world. And it feels around this time when these platforms quickly devolved to monetization and combative sensationalism galore.

Yet I clung to them. After all, this was my only portal to human interaction. My status and prospects were linked to putting myself out there. Everyone worth anything had to partake in this system – so I was convinced.

I made plenty of mistakes myself. I persisted feeling awful and angry. But clearly, I was ignoring the proclaimed good side.

The chance for that one beautiful opportunity to make it big, to connect with others, that I hadn't searched hard enough for.

A load of bull I forced myself to believe.

I've realized that the minuscule odds for benefit will never offset the horrific mental anguish from these platforms' addictive tactics. The provocations designed to rile and evoke dread.

In truth, there were other avenues to find opportunities and truly connect with people. Self-confidence could come without living a perpetual lie.

I've found more targeted answers... whether from other environments, methods... or even within me. I do not need to cling to the algorithmic systems for life support – and can finally break free from its clutches.

As mentioned, I knew about these issues and wanted to resolve them, but I couldn't. I knew I had to live for myself... but I couldn't shake the need to show and prove.

Now, with this warmth, I feel no trace of that fixation left.

I still fall into doomsearching, but I do so less, and the emotional impact is dulled. I only direct search YouTube videos for NFL replays or whatnot. I haven't followed anyone in ages.

I think I'm about to let go of another platform – which would leave LinkedIn as my last active account.

The former allowed me to begin writing again, release these thoughts, and heal wounds cathartically for the past 15 months.

Realizing the inescapable negatives of any social platform and with my site up – my dependency is no more. I've learned to never fall into sunk-cost fallacy, and feel obligation to stay anywhere.

So perhaps it's time to move on.

I can't say whether culling social media is the sole factor. Maybe my brain's aged to handle stress better, or I've developed my mental filter enough.

But so much of my anger and dread was over trivial matters. Everything screamed for attention.

Provocative titles and thumbnails told me how to think and feel, attacking my insecurities. Everything was trying to sell something to the marketing asset that was myself.

I only expected the worst. Pointless information I couldn't act on bombarded me. False accounts and misinformation completely warped my reality.

Little did I know how pointless this was until I just... turned it off.
Broke away, and experienced for myself.

The constant, fixating negativity is mitigated. Out of sight, out of mind – because it never mattered in the first place. Anything with a tangible impact on my life, I would know myself. Perhaps not now, but inevitably.

I would find their significance with time on my journey – not told second-hand from an entity that knows nothing of my existence, but assumes everything of it.

I turned to social media seeking a human connection. The platforms appeared to facilitate a one-to-many and many-to-one. But the interaction and emotions garnered felt none-to-none.

I lived a falsehood, presenting a fake self. I received affirmations based on that false identity, many of which came from equally false entities (bots, marketers).

All to achieve false ideals I was convinced existed, and I desired.

That wasn't true.

My desire never lay there to begin with.

This egregious influence gradually permeated every aspect of my life from childhood to adulthood. I never suspected its role in my decline despite hearing of the detriments.

But I've seen the other side again a decade later. I've seen what's waiting for me out there. And so, I've made my choice.

Screen technology in general has embedded itself in my psyche. I feel utmost frustration as I autonomously reach for that glowing brick, hooked by the addictive colors and buttons – the need for neverending, mindless stimuli.

It's to the point where I'm tossing the damn thing away onto my bed so it can stop affecting me. It just won't leave me be. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

I downloaded a minimal phone theme that only shows text. I've been using grayscale and bluelight filters. And I'm considering replacing my phone with a smartwatch that can only take calls.

Progress isn't linear, and I still fall into the infinite scroll. But it's time I finally broke the grasp technology's crushed my psyche with since childhood.

Key factor number 2 – my health. I recently found vitamin D deficiency is quite common, and can contribute to lacking energy and focus. I've been inactive and paid no attention to nutritional value.

Staying alive is hard enough.

I've reported feeling improvements in my desensitization in the past year. I felt more emotions and more present in my surroundings.

However, life still felt muted compared to the past. I obtained a bottle of 5000 IU vitamin D soft gels though – and that's when my aliveness exploded.

This might've been the placebo effect, but I felt my inner furnace had come alight within minutes of taking that first dose.

The imposing weight of the sky and buildings increased. Maybe this is coincidental, but I've gotten a lot done on that last 10% of work I've been putting off this week.

The vitality from the supplements was the last kick that made me think of my perception – "It really feels like living through the lens of childhood again."

I couldn't explain why things were different throughout all these years. But I think I can finally put it into words.

My consciousness was never confined to what was around me – and in a bad way.

The internet bombarded me with news of horrific events happening globally and the endless detriments of the outside world.

I never lived as myself but as a ghost viewing myself in the third person. One that could zoom out endlessly, seeing the entire globe and universe – and leaving my own experience dwarfed.

My body was present in my room, but my mind focused on what existed outside the window.

I saw myself through what others must think of me, saw my world through filters and lenses, and saw through my irrational thoughts and ruminations.

I never witnessed what my own eyes could see.

I've felt the return of my environment's imposition. A small room barely 10 feet long on one side. A wall containing me on the north, south, east, and west.

These are the boundaries that contain my consciousness. Everything outside doesn't matter, as it's blocked off.

It's not that external thought never has importance. But for the present, the walls are my fortress, a haven for a moment of solace.

To live through the eyes and mind of myself, and nothing else – that is what I've lacked for so long.

My path to define and relive a content life is not straightforward. My mood's horrendous this week due to sleep deprivation, and waking in the middle of the night multiple times.

The anger and negative thoughts were impalpable. In fairness, my neighbors were talking loudly at 3-4 AM with the garage open one night. I think I mentioned the same ones last August for the same reason.

Out of an inability to rest, I just worked on stuff starting at those extremely early hours. But if I can make focused progress at 4 in the morning, perhaps it shows my mental's improving.

I think I've "made it" in a neverending cycle. I thought my senses had returned a year ago, but I keep realizing new differences to the past I never noticed.

I feel relatively good now. I've identified many problems, and the symptoms seem to keep receding. Who's to say there's not more to come, and this cynical, ticked-off mood will pass?

Experiencing a perspective so similar to before has deconstructed any notion that perpetual suffering can only be accepted as inevitable to growing up.

That one should remain complacent in it.

It took over 8 years to discover these roots, but now I know. I've learned much along the way, this only being one of many lies I was ingrained with.

With these reinvigorated feelings of life and a return to the past, my most important insight is hope. It's a break in the trend and a reversal to a better state.

This is a lesson I'll only have to learn once. There are terrible circumstances – with the present being one I can't seem to escape. To say I'm optimistic isn't the truth, it's lasted too damn long.

But I will never again believe that my future is an immutable dystopia. I will never accept detriment to my well-being, nor will I grovel.

For I've experienced myself, the return of a life I once lived.