What Work Means To Me — My 819 Days Of Unemployment End Today

The end of a dark age has come.

Mark The Day

On August 23rd 2024, 3:54 PM Pacific Time, 819 days after I graduated from college with my computer science degree, I received my first offer of employment ever.

A Customer Service Associate at Walgreens.

It's not a software engineer job – but I don't care. I do not give a rat's... rear end. It's a freakin' job.

I'll escape being a prisoner in my room, from the mental decay sending applications into the void forever. The wasted time and ghosting won't torture me as much.

My search focused on software jobs for obvious reasons, but I stopped caring long ago. I wanted to work – so damn badly. Yet I got automated rejections no matter where or what I applied to.

I admittedly could've done more to find this first job earlier. In fairness, that's easily said in hindsight. I was on insanity's cusp after getting mauled and kicked to the curb endless times. But above all – I was terrified.

Countless horror stories bombarded me online. Rude customers, horrific treatment. General hatred of life and humanity was the sentiment of retail.

If I went and submitted my resume to anything but a software company, I'd surely get questioned and ridiculed for having a degree. They'd think I was using them for money and would jump ship anytime.

What a horrible, greedy person I was.

That didn't happen though, as evidenced. Maybe at dozens of other places, but I got no automation for this one – and that 1 is what matters.

I submitted my application one evening. I got a call the next morning for an interview on Thursday. I went in before 11 AM and had a stress-free interview (relatively speaking).

And I got the offer call today.

I won't lie – when I heard the words "after careful consideration..." I was like... F***. But I heard "we are extending" in the next half-second and was like... whew.

2 days. That is a freakin' interview process. I know it's minimum wage, and maybe the stakes are lower. Yet this respected my time far more than any other company I've dealt with.

They gave me $0.50 more than the lowest range. I actually should've negotiated for the middle, but my dumb brain said "no" to negotiating in the moment. They could've gone the bare minimum but didn't.

They even asked if I was sure – I guess I missed that cue.

That was stupid of me. But I'll take it as a lesson to slow down in my next negotiation. At least it didn't cost me thousands in salary this time.

The job is part-time and a 10-minute walk away. That leaves adequate time to continue volunteering or writing, though having 20-30 hours less will slow that down.

I'll have to compromise with limited time. I think about what I gain and lose here.

I have less focus on software engineering and my projects. But I gain money and feel independent. I get a break from the eye-straining screen. I can improve my communication skills further.

After a 4-year absence from regularly seeing people in the flesh, I will live in the physical world again. I can exercise more too. This was my first in-person interview – I like it way more.

Above all, I can relinquish this damned label that's been stuck on me for an eternity.

"Unemployed"

To be deprived of purpose is greatest form of torture I've experienced. All my efforts felt for naught. No paths opened. In fact, the more I did, the more they closed off.

The world's pressures repeatedly proclaimed I was useless and wasn't trying. Death felt like the only viable option. It was never enough.

I've only found my first job now, but I've not been out of work. I am adamant on that. My volunteer endeavors with multiple organizations have been extremely busy.

I developed carpal tunnel by programming and emailing too much. (Not-so-subtle brag.) I mean that in a reaffirming sense though – it proves to myself I haven't done "nothing" all this time.

Yet somehow, the term employment conveniently only includes paid work. Regardless of my time or contributions – I'm always "unemployed."

A worthless subhuman, because I don't make green paper.
Quite frankly, I resent that.

Well, the label looms over my head no longer. This isn't my final career path, but a stop on my journey. I won't take it lightly regardless.

After everything I've been through, I need a break from the tech industry anyway. A break before I even ever started. Go figure.

For now, I'll continue to contribute to software projects pro bono – ones I actually feel benefit the world instead of destroying it for profit. And I'll work a job in this retail space.

The notion of work was conveyed as grueling hell for my entire life. I was destined for suffering and feared the grim future.

I've discovered otherwise these past 2 years.

My life doesn't have to be hard to be meaningful. My life doesn't have to be hell to make progress. It's often rough, but my proudest moments came when those obstacles were brought down.

I won't let anything make my experiences more difficult. I won't remain complacent with mistreatment. Not without pushback. Not anymore.

The horror stories of retail are likely true. That doesn't mean my story will follow the same. There was no demeaning interview. I got the job being honest with my background.

Funnily enough, I got another interview from McDonald's an hour after accepting. Always works like that, doesn't it... From doomscrolling, I would've expected a response to a rejected interview like – "Well why did you apply then time-waster??"

Instead, I got a simple – "Thanks for letting me know."

Lie after lie, warped reality after reality has dissipated as I've lived more. I have found my own truths. I'll continue that trend and see what a "job" is like with my own eyes.

It likely won't be as bad as I've read. No more living through social media fear, for I can now bypass the proxy narratives that have screwed me over throughout my life.

I've done concussive self-harm twice. I've had suicidal thoughts. I've had to face the time I've lost. Even after those, I'm confident my reality will never match the direct injection of dread the internet pumps into my mind.

The work may exhaust me, and negative encounters may happen. But that's nothing new to me. I've been sleep deprived to hell. I've been critically stressed. I've been reminded how worthless I am endlessly.

A few cranky folks won't be anything compared to years of million-fold gloom delivered to my fingertips. The numbers check out.

I'm slightly nervous. The dizziness comes in waves. My anxiety has become a background feeling in recent times though.

You'd think for a first job, and for someone who's rarely interacted with the outside world, I'd be shaking. But when I walked into that new environment, nothing felt different.

Maybe I've adjusted. Or perhaps I'm desensitized. I notice my lacking expression and tired eyes, like a deadpan shellshocked character trope. I hardly react to anything anymore.

The past years have done that to me, I suppose. I'll take the opportunity to meet people in-person again. And who knows, maybe a customer will have software connections and can refer me. A more efficient method than the resume black hole, anyway.

Work to me means progress. It's fulfillment feeling I've made a difference in any small way I can. If not in other's lives – certainly in my own. That doesn't mean I have to suffer. It doesn't even need to feel like a chore.

Ultimately, I'm working for me. It's an opportunity I want.

I'll have to learn the ropes and get used to procedures. To learn to project my voice consistently. I'll have to endure lengthier physical labor than I've been used to. Now's a bad time for my carpal tunnel to turn severe... it's quite painful now.

But I've overcome challenges before. I'll do it again.

And I'll do it the best I can.