Well, it was good for the two weeks it lasted.

Relapse

The month of March 2023 marked the beginning of a very productive few weeks for me, and perhaps the beginning of the end of my second major wave of depression.

The article I wrote on that isn’t even out yet, so I guess spoilers.

I had gotten a ton of work done, and overall my mood was feeling better. I was making substantial progress in all of my endeavors. And overall, my outlook on life and the world seemed to be much better.

However, as they say, all good things must come to an end. And the good times don’t last nearly as long as one might think.

Earlier this week, I had a bit of a relapse. Oopsie.

I started thinking about the worst of everything and everyone again. All the ways I could be harmed, and all of the evil intentions others might have. I was wondering whether writing out my thoughts here was going to bite me in the rear later down the line.

All my regrets, all my mistakes, and everything I disliked about myself came up in that rumination. Overall, not a very fun time.

After getting annoyed at ChatGPT for not providing simple answers to apply to my entire life, I then got sucked into a doomsurfing session. Before I knew it, two whole hours had gone by.

Google, why do I feel so bad?

I just constantly searched Google for anecdotes to address my fears. And of course, I dismissed everything that would quell my worries but believed every single word that fueled them.

After that, I felt pretty sick. Haven’t slept well in a couple of days.

Couldn’t tell you why.

It’s not all terrible. I’m still making progress, albeit much slower than before. No more 13-hour days. I’ve done 30 minutes of game dev at most each day. But the scenes are gradually forming in front of me. So I can’t beat myself up too much.

With all that being said, I think it’s safe to say that I’m now experiencing a temporary decline. The “pullback” in my market cycle of life. I’m going to have to persist through this phase to eventually see a rally again.

But I think I can do it. Probably.

My Chart Of Life

Funnily enough, my portfolio’s chart in Robinhood seems to be a pretty accurate representation of my entire life so far.

Slight spoilers for some of my scheduled articles.

I started with 0% gain, having no life experience. But as I progressed through school, I began to meet other kids and learn more. And I was feeling better. +27% better, to be exact.

Middle school’s not as good. Then, high school. Depression hits. And my mood stock plummets. Now I’m back down low. All the way back to where I was at 0%, and then some more.

I get through that period in my life. College time. New life, new opportunities. I’m finally starting to open up to people. Heck, it feels like my life is starting to turn around. I’m on cloud nine.

A 120% rally.

And then COVID hits. And gone was that glimpse into the life I might have had. A slow, steady decline over months and years. 60% loss.

Eventually, another graduation comes and goes. Time to rally up my hope. Rally by 31%, to be exact. But then reality hits again, and the second wave crashes down on me. Recession, unemployment, and feelings of worthlessness.

An excruciatingly prolonged 70% decline.

After months of stagnation, I discover new opportunities. I start doing things again and making progress in all the things I want to do. I’m on fire. +200% since the beginning, and +500% since the lows.

But once again, there’s a pullback. And now, my emotional stock price has declined again. -15%.

Relative to my greatest heights, this moment doesn’t feel good at all. But comparing where I am now to where I began, I’m still miles above where I was before.

I’ve gained a lot of knowledge and experience since my beginnings. I’ve been learning what works for me and what doesn’t.

And while many doors have closed, many have opened as well.

Sure, I had a few unproductive days this week. But I’m still making progress, and I seem to have bounced back decently from my lows. The downtrend might not last as long as I think.

So even with this rough patch, I’m hopeful that there will be even better times to come.

And when that moment arrives, I’ll be ready to soar to new heights.

Feeling like a million bucks. Or at least a couple grand.