It should have been the proudest moment of my life. Instead, it was the beginning of something else. But before that…

Prelude

On 3–11–2023, I published an article reflecting on my experiences of being stuck in the past, and how I attempted to adopt certain ways of thinking to combat the irrational feelings that came with that state of mind.

In that article, I discussed how I believed factors of depression and anxiety came into play in the phenomenon. Specifically, I mentioned my “high school wave” of depression, which I will refer to as the first wave.

That first wave I experienced and the years leading up to today is what I will be taking a deeper dive into in this “prelude” article. The next part will be released on the next scheduled publishing date.

The After-Effects Of The First Wave

I would say that this first wave lasted from around 2014 to 2018. Toward the end of my time in high school, the negative thoughts seemed to be receding a bit. I was feeling less uncomfortable going outside.

My senses seemed to be dulling. But I thought it was a great thing for me.

I truly thought that I was overcoming that depression, and would be moving to new highs. I believed that desensitization was just a process of aging. But in retrospect, I’m not sure if that is what was actually happening.

Because maybe the feeling of unease wasn’t the only thing I was losing.

Maybe I was losing my ability to feel entirely.

School Is Out

I had graduated from high school. Unfortunately, I ended up failing to get into any of the better colleges I applied for.

While I had managed to scrape by without ever getting less than a C in any class, I was still pretty below average compared to my peers. But this was to be expected.

So it didn’t bother me much, if at all.

Despite that, not all hope was lost. I was still able to get into the state university I wanted to get into. And so I began my studies as a Computer Science major.

I’m jumping around quite a bit with this story, but at this point, I had gone 4 whole years without a single real-life friend. Ever since leaving middle school, I had been completely alone.

In specific, I had moved away from the city I had spent my entire life living in.

I spent a semester in online school before beginning my high school life.

(Yeah, I did it before it was cool.)

And so, in more ways than one, I was plopped into this new, unfamiliar environment.

The only thing that likely kept me sane during this time was conversing with my two online friends through Discord messaging. I met them about a year later.

And while I valued their friendship over these last six years, there was a limitation on what we as friends could engage with solely through online text.

A Face Of Stone

Looking back to the first wave, much of that loneliness was likely self-inflicted due to a large number of factors.

In part due to my anxiety, I had (and still have) what some may call, R.B.F.

The stress could be so overwhelming that my face would actually hurt from being forced into this agitated, ticked-off expression.

While nowadays I don’t involuntarily frown to the point of causing pain, I still look like a total grump most of the time. And I’ve gotten told that many times before.

Many, many, many, many, many… many times before. So many “manys” that “many” doesn’t even look like a real word anymore.

“Smile! Why do you look so unhappy? Cheeeeeeeese….”

I mean, it stuck out so much that I got called up to the front of my Chinese language class one day, for everyone to compliment me in Chinese because I looked “not very happy”.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the thought.

But man, was that an awkward experience.

他的眼镜很好看!

To be fair, the expression I bore wasn’t exactly just some facade. I was truly unhappy during that time. But the anxiety exacerbated it to an extent where I just looked like I hated everyone.

And so I can’t exactly blame others for being averse to interacting with me during that time.

I thought I looked pretty normal. But that wasn’t the case.

(…..)

Actually, no. That was a complete lie.

I knew full well how others perceived me. Maybe it was like a warning sign to stay away.

Or maybe it was a plea for help. A cry for help that, ironically, I wouldn’t accept anyways. There was no answer.

If the initial presentation of myself wasn’t enough to phase the brave people who dared to give me a chance, the following interaction certainly would.

Also, I Can’t Talk

I have always been completely clueless as to verbal communication. If I didn’t have every single word lined out in my mind, I would most likely stumble or even just completely shut down.

In the worst case, I would continue rambling about something that made no sense just to make words come out of my mouth.

And like…this thing and… uh… that like uh…

As a result, I came to fear verbal communication. I would only say the bare minimum because every second more I spent talking would provide more opportunities to slip up.

And let’s not even talk about the times I tried to be funny and relatable. You know, those moments.

Moments when you think something will be funny. But you end up sounding like a complete weirdo instead. Or even worse, they just stare at you with this expression of abject horror and offense.

(O — O )… ok

That was pretty much me most of the time. The few times I did actually say something to make people laugh are strong memories in my mind. But the times I made a complete fool out of myself definitely hit stronger.

And to make matters worse, I had trouble talking on a physical level as well. I was insecure about how I sounded.

I still am to an extent.

Obviously, anxiety came into play again, causing voice cracks. People could barely understand me at some points.

But to make matters worse, I may have tried lowering my voice to the point of reaching vocal fry levels. Just to sound less “stupid-sounding”.

And by doing so, over the course of years, I may have essentially forgotten how to use my vocal cords properly. Which led to me sounding even weirder, and having to mumble.

Which lead to me becoming even more insecure… and you can guess the rest.

It really is a relentless feedback loop, isn’t it?

Eventually, this led to many more people misunderstanding what I was saying. Apparently, I couldn’t even pronounce my own name properly.

Even years later, when I was in my college years, I can recall more than four or five times I tried telling people my name.

And I either got back a blank stare of confusion, or something completely different from what I thought I had just said.

Nice to meet you, Juftonnè!

Huh?

I felt like I was truly going insane. Why could no one understand me?

Even today, when I bring my pitch down low to what I’m accustomed to, it feels like I’m forcing it and hurting my throat. But when I speak higher, it comes out strained as well, just in a different way.

Some days, I can magically speak clearly again. But most of the time, I still can’t speak to save my life. And I have no idea how to fix it. It was now involuntary.

Despite all of this, plenty of great people tried to include me regardless of my many, many flaws.

For that, I am extremely grateful.

I ended up graduating on a pretty good note with many of my classmates in my senior year. Along with others, I worked on editing for a documentary in English & Social Justice, as well as some videos for… well, Video Production.

It’s just unfortunate that prior to that time, I was so unwilling to accept much of this goodwill from others. And even then, the issues still lingered within me.

With all the insecurities compounding, I was basically becoming averse to human interaction entirely. Because I was completely afraid of the countless ways I could and would screw it up.

That’s perhaps why I embraced the cold, mean expression back then. That’s why I seemed unwilling to play the second party and engage in the conversation. It was a fear of what would come of it.

And of course, everyone noticed. They noticed how cold and distant I was. Eventually, they gave up on me. They stopped trying.

No longer would I be put in situations where I could embarrass myself. No longer would they have to waste their time on me.

Well, I got what I wanted in the end.

New Life, New Me In College

With high school ending on somewhat of a good note, I was feeling a bit more optimistic about my prospects for the future.

It was over, after all. Maybe this was only the beginning of the path up.

And honestly, it kind of was. I got acquainted with quite a few people during my first year of college.

There was one guy that I had met in my CSC 210 course (the first one), who also ended up also being in the same Discrete Mathematics course as me. And so we sat next to each other when doing work and taking notes.

The campus was also a really good place to play Pokemon GO, which I played pretty much non-stop whenever I went outside. I should write an article about that too sometime.

But I ended up meeting with the same group to do raids and Community Days with. I went to casual PvP tournaments.

Occasionally, I’d also get a message from one guy to go on a walk around campus. One time I used my meal card to get him breakfast at the eatery.

I was actually interacting with people. It really did seem like everything was going to get better.

No, it was getting better.

Then, starting my second year in the Autumn semester of 2019, I was taking Physics 220. And there was a lab session every week.

The first day, I just went to the only remaining table that already had three out of four people (awkward).

But the following week that spot was taken. And so I ended up moving to another random group.

And they turned out to be great people to work with.

Eventually, I was finishing up some work near the end of class, when one of my lab partners stuck around and asked if I was interested in joining her in an upcoming Hackathon.

Mainly, she was looking to form a group for the free food.

Nothing but the utmost respect to that.

I was certainly interested in participating, as it sounded like it would be fun. But I was also unsure of what commitments I would have in the months ahead, and I’d feel bad if I had to bail out right before.

So I said if I was free at that time, I would definitely be down to join.

I probably should have just been more confident and ongoing, like…

“Yeah! Sounds fantastic! I’d love to!”

But again, the fact that I was even considering going and doing something fun with another person was a definitive sign of progress.

I was beginning to open up to people after almost 6 years without a “real-life” friend.

What Was To Come

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have been able to attend the event no matter what I decided.

Partially, because I never even got her contact information. So I couldn’t respond after the semester was over anyways.

I kind of forgot about that detail. Whoops.

But even had I remembered to do that, there was still one major problem. And it was one that nobody could have foreseen.

The problem was when the Hackathon would occur…

March 2020.

Alone Once Again

You already know what happened in 2020. I’ll spare you from the recap.

I got the notice that in-person classes were now canceled and that we were switching to remote instruction. And that was it.

With that, any of the connections I had made were now severed. The common location where I had met all these people was now off-limits.

Now, everything and everyone only existed as text and pictures on a two-dimensional screen.

At first, I was kind of thrilled that I wouldn’t have to make the commute anymore. No need to wake up early. I could just pop out of bed five minutes before the next class and still make it on time.

But as the months turned into entire semesters, and the semesters turned into years, it hit me that my college experience had essentially come to a premature end.

All those good times that I had in the first year would not happen again. All the acquaintances I had made were gone. And with that, I was alone once more.

Two and a half more years passed. I don’t remember much about what happened during that time.

Before I even knew it, it was time for me to graduate once more.

All alone.

It had now been nearly 9 years since I had a “real-life” friend. I couldn’t even remember what it was like. What did it even mean to be a friend in the real world?

Forget that, what did it even mean to be human anymore?

All I had as a frame of reference was the internet and social media. News and snippets of what was going on in the outside world. All of which were terrible.

I couldn’t trust anyone. I couldn’t even trust myself. I feared everything and everyone. And it felt horrible.

Another Graduation Comes

I did contemplate what would have happened if the world didn’t turn out the way it did in 2020.

About what would have happened if I had lived out the full college experience. And what attending that Hackathon would have been like.

Maybe I could have become closer friends with the acquaintances I had met. I could’ve learned a lot of things with that experience.

It really was cruel. The pandemic hadn’t taken what I had, but rather what could have been. It gave me a glimpse of hope, only to quickly take it away again.

But I guess that’s just how life goes sometimes.

And so, back to square one.

There was still a hint of relief within me after finally finishing school. The stress of assignments and exams was certainly something I wouldn’t miss.

There was also a smidge of hope for my career prospects. I had done pretty well in school, and the allure of those Silicon Valley software engineer salaries was pulling me forward.

And most important of all, I was finally leaving the constraints of the institution of learning.

After over 16 years in the education system, I was finally free to carve out my own path in life.

When put like that, graduation should have been the proudest, most fulfilling moment of my life.

But instead, it only marked the beginning of something else.

And that something was The Second Wave of Depression.

To be continued.